It IS me!!! Change

Yesterday I spoke in a poem about letting go. Tonight I want to  talk about change. Personally I often find this word scary. Worse than a 4 letter word. Especially when I'm not the one to make the choice to change. Being autistic change is pretty much a dirty word.

Change is letting go and moving forward. Change is taking a risk. Change is a chance to let faith lead us. Giving God/dess a chance to get us to where we need to be. Change is f'ing scary!

As you all know I took a chance and became a groomer. Spent hours bathing big dogs, grumpy dogs, dirty dogs, flea infested dogs, groomers dogs, you name it I bathed it. Then went to groomers academy, groomed my set amount of dogs and became an official groomer. Then got sick and my world crashed every thing changed when I got back (long story) I got demoted or stepped down to be a bather again, and then got fired.

It was worth it. I made some life long friends, learned a skill to use on our "pound" puppies, and paid a few bills. May not have worked the way I wanted but it was not a worthless risk I regret.

This week I'm taking another risk. I have the chance to be student clergy with a very small church AND do counseling with them. So using my degrees and doing counseling, gaining experience and getting more schooling. YAY me!

Why to I feel its a scary change? A risk? Because its every thing I want and worked for is at my finger tips. Sink or swim time is how I feel. Also I do care about what others say.... I have some that will say I'm giving in ad going main stream pastoring rather then just doing so online or small group. On the other hand I have folk yelling UNITY those  new age freaks. I may lose a few conservative or very liberal friends. I hope not but I maybe a controversial choice in a controversial church, so I wont be surprised if I do.

Funny thing change......things about me may change but I'm still me.  I have my small group name Runick.I still believe small is the way to go.  I still say a few naughty words. I'm still searching for my spiritual path. Unity will allow me to still be these things and more. Not only that but help with it all. So many different faiths and people are part of Unity I get a chance to earn even while learning.

Sigh change. That time in your life that you can sit passive and see what happens of take a hug leap of faith. For me today I'm taking the leap. Right now it feels as if God/dess is holding HER arms open and I'm leaping in.

I'm including a video I made when I was thinking about a different very seminary a different path. However I haven't shared it before and now seems the time. It shows a a lot of change in me up to about a year or so ago wen I made it. 

I feel the answer to the question it ask is a resounding YES for me.

The video is very Christian although that now is not my sole path . Hopefully you will enjoy it.

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."

 Anatole France

I have finally learned the question in not if change will happen, we know it will. The question is will we be passive by standers and jump in and make the change or at lest make the best of it.

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I ask you guys tonight to share change stories. We don't always want it, we can't always control it, However we can make the best of it.

Shelama my friends.

Letting Go

Strength in holding on

Strength in letting go

When do we know

How do we choose

Letting go

Letting go

Letting go

Letting go

Life flows like a river

Always forward never back

There is one moment

And then another

If you miss a moment

 Let it go

Maybe it wasn't yours

Maybe it wasn't time

Will it come again?

No

Will you get another chance?

Maybe

Things end

So new things can begin

So pain can stop

So hurt can heal

Letting go

Letting go

Letting go

Letting go

Do you have the strength?

To move forward

Moving forward is

Leaving being

Moving forward

Leaving behind

Letting go

Leaving behind

Letting go

Gains your future

Letting go 

Releases pain

Forward forward forward

Always forward

Clinging to the past is

Clutching the pain

Letting go

Letting go

Letting go

Letting go

Take the leap

Use your strength

Strength to flow forward

Not clutch the pain

Not all past is pain

Not all future is easy

Grasping clutching

Causes hurt and pain

Not letting life flow

Not moving forward

Safe? Maybe

Healthy never

Move forward

Let go

See the new future

The sunrise for you

Job and Such

Not a whole blog just a short note to friends and followers. To those of you that know me or have put 2 x 2 together on my blog, yes I have recently lost my job .Am I happy about about it?? In a way. Am I scared about money and insurance....HELL yes. Do i think it was unfair.....want a list????

But am I OK. Yes very OK. This is a choice the Divine made for me because I wouldn't make it on my own. It was time I left. I couldn't get the nerve to take the risk, so SHE took it for me. 

Where to now? who knows I just know my future is full of LIGHT and I'm excited to see where the path leads me.

Already in just the few days kind hands and hearts have reached out. I'm finding that I do have people that care and I have a chance for a fresh start. What better way to start summer.

I will miss friends , regular doggies I see all the time and those special pet parents that just touch your heart. Any one of the list or any one else knows how to reach me even if its just through here. Please do!!!

I will miss the Green Belt every morning ( a city path by ex-work) so I'm looking for a new path to walk/run. No more woods is sad for me. How ever the "path" I took to day I unexpectedly found beautiful flowers . Here are just 2 of the patches I found along side the road. Guess you don't need the woods for beauty or to find nature.

I didn't crop because I wanted you guys to see them just like I did. By the side of the road.

So long story short, its a roller coaster, but I truest in the Divine to help me find my way.

Love you all!!!

And remember my favorite motto.

 Have you loved the world this morning.? Its not always easy but life is so much better when you do!!!

Shalom
Carrie

P.S.  so I didn't slay the dragon or the bully......I'm glad... I stayed true to myself.

Sparks and flares of "good"

 

What if god/dess is a magical beast that holds the secret of light and shadow in a safe place in her heart 

and when it has been too long dark and angry, she starts to dance and laugh and cry and sing

 and the sunlight fills her up and spills in wild abandon back into the world again ?

 

 

 

Balance Balance

Matrix Matrix

We create her

SHE creates us

 

So much anger

So much stress

She lets out the beauty

Saved for such a day

 

Today I put in hope

You put in distress

She puts in anger

He puts in love

 

Balance Matrix

Matrix Balance

The balance weighs

To the good

 

We created God/dess

From good

When we start to weigh it evil

SHE throws in extra good

 

I've been studying about the God Matrix, so much to learn. I've mentioned before I love the idea that each creates the other. Personally I've been exploring the idea that both have free will once created.What if we did such a good job SHE stores up the extra good for us?? Lind of like saving for a rainy day (even though I love the rain).

Puzzle pieces such a recurring theme in life for me. Autism is a puzzle but is it? Maybe we are just a piece of the whole puzzle. where do I fit?  Where do you fit? What is the whole if we allow our selves to fit rather than fight out place or some one else's??

For me while the loss of my job is traumatic, it is a relief. 

BALANCE

 

 

Matrix Strong

Born Fragile or Matrix Strong?

Interconnected, interwoven, 

strong together, weak together

weak as the weakest link?

strong as the strongest connector?

Born weak, small, tiny

needy, helpless, 

full of potential

part of the connection.

A chain

a straight line of links

weak as the weakest link

are we as weak as a chain?

A matrix

a series of interconnections

strong as the strongest connector

are we as strong as a matrix?

I've been reading a lot about numerous thoughts on faith, belief, and what is or isn't the Divine. I've been reading about the theory of the God Matrix. Its quite complex in its simplicity. A matrix, a complex connection of individuals linked together over and over, not just side by side like a chain. Strength in numbers. Almost like a loosely woven basket or maybe a net. 

 

God makes us, we make God.......We make God, God makes us. The life giving spark in each of us, when interconnected with every being on earth, creates the God Matrix. God is within the matrix, God is the Matrix. We created the matrix and God, God created the Matrix and us. (see I said, so simple, yet so complicated).

 

Personally, the more I read and study and THINK, I'm liking this theory. This theory is matching my belief in a way I wasn't even aware I was believing yet. 

 

Interestingly, it puts the responsibility squarely on our shoulders. No longer can we say "but God said", "but God wants"....it now becomes OUR responsibility. I'm responsible for you as you are responsible for me. 

 

What about the rotten apple that spoils the barrel? We can't think this way anymore. We can't let the whole barrel spoil or just toss out the rotten apple. We are responsible for making sure the apple doesn't become rotten, or we need to heal the rotten spots. 

 

Sometimes, we need rotten apples to bring out the best in ourselves. I'm not saying we are meant to fix and save the world alone, on our personal shoulders, but we are meant to bear our part of the burden. 

 

When there are too many broken connections, there will be holes, and frays in the matrix but as long as there are strong members of the matrix, the matrix will not dissolve.   

 

To bring paradise or, in the terminology of many religions, Heaven to Earth, we need to make this matrix as strong as possible. How do we do this? Again, so simple, yet so complex....be the best YOU possible. You are the only YOU. You are a connector made for your special spot in the matrix, and yes, without you, there is a missing piece. 

 

 

If Suess translated the bible and more!

If God Only Knew

one god two god

red god blue god

my god your god

good god bad god

loving god hateful god

giving god selfish god

graceful god vengeful god

new god old god

green eggs and ham

god i am

i make the rules 

you are the spam

i will not change them

not for you

you can not make me

no not you

Star belly sneetches at stars upon thar bellies

Plain belly sneetches had non upon thars

The star bellies think all should be like them

They write books and preach and shout

But maybe just maybe the star belies are wrong

Plain bellies shouldn't change at all

Stars and not special they just are what they are 

Inside is what matters...what matters right thar

Maybe you read this as silly, maybe as serious.  My mood as I write? Mixed. Emotional roller coaster. What a few weeks I have had. A affects B.......B affects C...C crushes and hurts D and E and then.....E finds the strength to make it all better.

Where am I going with this?? Trying to say there is NO right answer no right path. For me I believe if we follow the way of peace and love....well we have paradise. We have a long way and many different parts to play to get there. 

 

And the song???? What if she is a loving deity that has given us free will......she sees all this pain but also knows pain is growth and to take back her gift would be make us lesser beings?   Just a thought.

Shalama dear friends

Sea of my heart

A walk along the surf
You and I 
Hand in hand
Heart beats as one
Two souls ,still, yet joined 
Nothing exists but Us and natures creation 

You laugh out loud to share this
As I run a head spying a special shell
You smile and shake your head
You sit and empty your shoe I told you to leave behind
I run backward laughing at you and your shoe
Arriving at the shell,  I know it's meant for you


Running back to you
You pull me down and say "watch"
"Watch what ? I ask"
You hold me against you tight,   both facing out 
"Be still and listen my baby"  you say
"some things are worth waiting for !"



Watching watching watching
I finally see I small splash out of place 
I turn to you, you smile and "say watch"
I turn just in time to see a dolphin leap
"Keep watching" u say and hold me tighter
A whole pod leaping and frolicking 


I'm full of joy, what I saw and shared with you
My heart is full with life 
Life you may not give me
But a life you help fulfill
A life you encourage
One I like you a part off
One we create


You whisper in my my ear
"This is what you get when you trust fate
When you leave negative energy
When you believe the positive 
See what happens when you trust me and fate?"


You turn me around 
Push up my sunglasses
And gaze into my eyes
Because its you I gaze back
I feel loved and treasured
I want you to feel the same


Is this day a dream or real?
I have a shell to remind me
Sand in my shoes make smile
You hand in mine your chuckle you
Are I'm me like the sea of life 

My return home