I Want to Hear what you Hear

I mentioned earlier that I was in a very humble place. I'm getting surgery for my ears on Friday. The doctor has let me know there will be very little help if, any for the hearing, this is just for the pain. I'm Terrified. No other word then pure terror. Nightmares every night. Scared of the pain, being put under, scared it won't work, the cost....etc etc etc etc...Thank goodness God blessed me with a friend that is getting me over the line with the money for co-pay for the surgery!!! Yay friend! (love you)

I'm even more worried and stressed about the hearing aides in a month. I have almost NO hearing left..that's none !  They will be 5200! Scarey huh? That's for middle of the  road hearing aides for both hears.  This is the absolute lowest the doctors say will help. It is just enough power to get me by in my work environment that includes noisy dogs and answering the phone. The only extra is they are water proof so I can actually wear them to work. Pretty much the lowest I can get by with.

Hours of research and discussion with  several doctors and several audiologist has taught me that I need prescription aides. Not off the shelf or over the internet ones. Sadly because of the severity of my hearing, those non-perspiration ones will not work for me. I truly would like to be able to save the thousands of dollars.

I need help. I can not pay this and insurance will not pay much. Mostly enough to pay back co-pays from the surgery and such. This is one of the hardest things I've had to type...I'm use to being the provider, giver and helper. It's scary and unfamiliar for me.

Several friends have asked how they could help. I've prayed and meditated a lot about asking for help. The simplest best solution I've found and been led to, is a pay pal button on my blog . ( More at bottom of how this works.)
Love and peace,
Carrie
*************************************************************************

Many of you have followed my struggle about surgery and the aides. I've been lost, I've been hurt, I've been overwhelmed. I've also been blessed with friends, help, words of encouragement, smiles, laughter, company on face book when in to much pain to sleep, understanding and love.

I've been learning some about labyrinth meditation. I've been doing a little with visualization and drawing. The poem doesn't totally represent the true path of labyrinth meditation,usually you work in and then back out,  but this shares what I've been feeling.

Circle slowly towards the center

Slowly.... slowly..... slowly

Find YOUR center

As you meditate towards the center

Pause and think

Thoughts turn to prayers

Prayers will be answered

Sometimes the answer is wait

Wait... wait.... wait

Hard frustrating scary

Many many tears shed

Tears drop, stream, roll

New turn in labyrinth  

My tears have turned to bawling

My heart is yearning

Yearning, bawling, bawling and yearning

Another new turn

The labyrinth still calls

Turn turn labyrinth turn

Can I go further, my soul starts to burn

The center awaits

The labyrinth calls stronger

Turn labyrinth, turn turn

I must go further, my soul grows stronger

Turn, question, answer, wait

Turn, questions, answer, wait

Turn turn beg, but still wait

turn yearn burn.........pray

Heart quickens, soul yearns

heart, soul, praise, praise

I turn, I turn, the center is closer

still I turn, still I yearn, still I question

Turn turn turn

Child, open your heart listen

Sometimes answer is within

Seek my child, ask and you may receive

The center nears

My tears calm

Will my prayers answer be yes or no

Will I find balance, will I find peace

The God's answer, the Goddesses will

Will my answer be theirs, will my desire be their will

turn turn turn
 seeking peace, balance, and comfort. 

 

 As I said before, this has been a major journey and many of you have given me the emotional strength I need to make it through.

I had to be reminded of several things....

Matthew 6:25-26

Good News Translation (GNT)

 ²⁵ This is why I tell you: do not be worried about the food and drink you need in order to stay alive, or about clothes for your body. After all, isn't life worth more than food? And isn't the body worth more than clothes?²⁶ Look at the birds: they do not plant seeds, gather a harvest and put it in barns; yet your Father in heaven takes care of them! Aren't you worth much more than birds?
Jesus

 If you're carrying more than you can handle today, choose to let some of it go by letting someone else in.
 Buddha

 The only way to get help is to ask, but sometimes we hold back because we're scared.
Buddha

Some times Buddha is annoyingly simple and right!!
You're my friends, you may not have the money to help, but how will I know if I don't ask. What have I lost?

 God helps them who helps themselves!

Who knows where this actually comes from , and yes I do have google. :)

Dear dear friends, thank you for listening and being part of this journey with me. If you can help, that is amazing, if not, believe me,  we know where you are coming from. But, first and fore most thank you for supporting me in so many ways.

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(From Jamie)  As many of you know, Carrie is also autistic (aspergers) and has asked me to provide donation details as she is getting a bit overwhelmed. The instructions are below. Please email us at t.paws@aol.com for any questions. 

TO DONATE:

Click on the PAYPAL Button on the right side of the screen on THIS blog. There you will be given an option to use your Paypal account to donate, OR if you do not have a Paypal account, click on "continue" by the Visa, Mastercard etc icons on the lower left hand corner. Follow the prompts to process your donation. 

Alternatively, if you have a Paypal account, you may go to Paypal, click "send money" and follow the prompts. Our paypal account is t.paws@aol.com.

If you would like to send a donation by snail mail, please email us for the address. 

*Important note...we are not a non profit and your gift is not tax deductible. Unless otherwise specified this is a gift, not a loan. We are very thankful for any amount you may be able to give and will be good stewards of your donation.

I "hear" all things happen in God's time...not mine.

Our Goddess

in mysterious, secret plans,

for her to know

not me.

NOT ME! NOT ME! NOT ME!

But wait-

Plans are FOR me

ME ME ME ME

Mysterious scares me

me scared, mysterious scary

scary scary scary mysterious

Plans HER time, not MY time

Is  NOT mysterious scary?

scary scary mystery

Why mystery?

Why not tell me MY plans-TELL ME!!

Goddess she mysterious be

watches over you and me

plans and plans and plans

puzzle pieces they do fit.

Yours fits mine, mine fits yours

no big mystery

I fit you, you fit me

they fit us, we fit them.

Mysterious not so scary

Goddess? Oh yeah.....she's got this

Wait and see

Puzzle unfold.

WAIT! Who am I kidding?

Goddess I love

Mystery stories I love

my life a mystery story.....SCARY!!!

God moves in a mysterious way

His wonders to perform;

He plants his footsteps in the sea,

And rides upon the storm.

WILLIAM COWPER

Ecclesiastes 3

Douay-Rheims 1899 American Edition (DRA)

  

¹All things have their season, and in their times all things pass under heaven.

Thank YOU for helping me chase you away!! xoxoxoxox

I almost let you win

who??

yes you

you with the angelic grin

you act in god's name

who??

you, god

but what you do is cause pain

you claim to be holy

who??

you!!

you and your claim of holy

it almost happened today

what??

you winning

you almost, almost pulled me astray

your angelic smile

whose??

yours!!

you made me stumble mile after mile

we know who you are

who??

you!!

with your angelic smile from a far

I blew today off in a haste

why??

because of you

I listened to you and your waste 

 

I won't do it again

what?

listen to you

and your cries of sin

I've been in tears most of today. A good part of the reason is physical. Very few people understand unseen pain. My ears hurt. On a scale of 1 to 10 my ears hurt a 9 almost all the time. I cry myself to sleep. I wake up crying. I volunteer to bathe dogs at work so the sound of the dryer can hide the sniffles of my tears. I hurt. (Thankfully unlike a couple of friends in my life there is an end in site. For those with no hope of relief...my heart goes out to you.)  The doctor looked in them yesterday and says he can relief almost all if not all the pain, but sadly little hearing will come back. Something else people can't see. Deafness. 

Sure I have some hearing. I lip read and GUESS and FAKE a lot more then most of you have any idea. But there is no magic fix like most vision problems. I can't go to the eye doctor, pay a couple hundred bucks and see perfect again. For a few THOUSAND I can get aides that let me get by. And this is only after the surgery.

So yes I have been crying in pain, frustration, embarrassment, hopelessness, fear....you name it!!  Lots and lots of tears today. Will the pain stop?  Will I hear at all? Where will the money come from?  Am I becoming a bigger burden on friends and family? Everything I feel I want to be and am called to be involves hearing. 

I've kept much of this fear (hearing loss) from loved ones. Why? I'm not sure...embarrassment, scared they won't understand, hopelessness? But now that in the last twenty four hours I've started to share, its getting better. Maybe thee is only money for the surgery....maybe hearing aides are months away. I don't know, but I do know I have people who will help me get there. I do know I still have YOU as part of my blog.

What will happen when I go back to work after surgery and I still can't answer that dreaded evil phone? I can't even begin to explain to any one not part of it what that "phone" does to us at work. Something so simple, that makes us mone, and wose burden can easily be shared has such power to divide us. So yes I cry over the worry of if I will be able to answer it when I go back.

 

So there is the physical and some of the emotional for me . It gets worse. Yep some how it all feeds on each other.

I watch the amazing love of my life suffer because of many things. Including you. (if you think I'm taking about you, don't' be vain...some of it may be you  but mostly I mean evil, conceitedness, selfishness, and judgment. I don't often use the word devil..that makes people think he is simple and can be put in a box and sent away,  so I go with evil) 

Today she had panic and wanted to run from the world, partly cause she listened to you. Partly because she loves me so much she wants to "fix" this for me. Panic for the most part is another unseen pain. It real, its there... you can't take a deep breath and make it better.  People miss out on a lot of beauty and strength because they wont take time to see past this.

So today I cried for her. I cried because I see her strength, I see her love and I see her pain. I cry because she has so much to share and you are to sure of your self and what you believe to take anything she has to offer. I cry because I see you want to cut her down. Why are you afraid of her? Of us? 

Also I cried of happiness. We have people who love us. We have people that have offered and given money to hep with my surgery. We have people that offer to come and be with J and our family while I have surgery. To come sit with me the day after so J can work or rest or what ever she needs.

We have family and friends. We have a beautiful future. To save my sanity the last two days I've been thinking a lot of that future. Of taking J to Washington DC to make our life legal to the government and on paper not just in the eyes of our friends and God.. Some of you may think I'm crazy looking to June and October when I really just need to make it through the week. But I need to remember why. I need the hope. 

 

While we have the "you" of evil....we also have the "you" of love and beauty. I get out hurt bu writing poetry like what I wrote above...and then when I let it out, I have room to let God back in. Maybe a better way to say that is , I let it out so I can feel God there, because I now SHE never leaves me, as much as you would like to steal HIM for yourself.

So yes angry and hurt Carrie is here again tonight at 430 am because I hurt, in pain and heart. Because the love of my life hurts, and it brings me peace to finally watch her sleep a little.

I also need to say thank you. Thank you to J's parents that are there with us every step of the way. For the call from J's mom this afternoon when I was just "done" and couldn't deal any more. And thank them for being MY family too.  Thank you to the people offering and lending money. To those that at just the right  time post on my facebook wall and make me smile. Even as simple as hitting like on something I posted can make me feel validated. Thank you for sending me text that make me giggle and feel loved and kept me company. Thank you to Jamie just because she is Jamie. Thank you to the friend that is helping look to the future and is offering anything to help keep our hearts safe, like helping come up for a pattern and dew the perfect dress for June.

I know I've missed some people here in black and white, but not in my heart.  I'm writing through tears and it is real raw so sometimes mistakes are made. 

 

So this may not be my nest "work". but its real.

I remind myself that:

Matthew 18:20

King James Version (KJV)

 ²⁰For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

So when I have surgery Friday there is no doubt in my heart or mind that God will be with us.

A romantic love song that makes me think of Jamie often, but tonight seemed way better then any church song as a way to offer my thanks to you.

I love YOU my family and friends. Thank YOU for helping me chase the evil "you" way.

My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why I,
Got out of bed at all,
The morning rain clouds up my window,
And I can't see at all,
And even if I could it'd all be grey,
But your picture on my wall,
It reminds me that it's not so bad,
It's not so bad.

I drank too much last night, got bills to pay,
My head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there'll be hell today,
I'm late for work again,
And even if I'm there, they'll all imply,
That I might not last the day,
And then you call me and it's not so bad,
It's not so bad.

And I want to thank you,
For giving me the best day of my life,
And oh, just to be with you,
Is having the best day of my life.

Pushed the door, I'm home at last,
And I'm soaking through and through,
Then you handed me a towel,
And all I see is you,
And even if my house falls down now,
I wouldn't have a clue,
Because you're near me.

And I want to thank you,
For giving me the best day of my life,
And oh, just to be with you,
Is having the best day of my life.

And I want to thank you,
For giving me the best day of my life,
And oh, just to be with you,
Is having the best day of my life

 

 

 

 

 

 

Being Grateful for the Great-full-ness!

God is Great, God is Good;
Let us thank Him for our food.
By His hands we all are fed,
Give us Lord our Daily Bread.

Amen.

Author Anonymous

Friends are Great, Friends are Good

Let us thank them for our gifts

By their hands we are truly blessed

We thank you God for our beloved  friends.

Amen

Paraphrased by Carrie Humphreys

Since adulthood, I've been pretty blessed in jobs that provide decent income. I've had the money to "spare" to fill a friends gas tank, let a friend borrow a few bucks, pay the frazzled mother's grocery tab because she misplaced her debit card while juggling her three young kids. I've been fortunate enough to have enough in my account to pay for someone's brake job or to buy back to school clothes for a family of three young boys.

I've always had room for young people or abused adults in bad situations to spend a few days in my living space to get their ducks in a row. 

No, I'm not bragging. I know there are many people who do more and I wish we could do more. This year our generosity only extended to one of the food boxes for the hungry that they have at the grocery store. So, no, I'm not bragging. 

My reality the last couple of years has changed. I've changed careers and situations to where my cash flow just isn't what it used to be. In fact,  I'm lucky when its a trickle, forget the flow. Fortunately, because of the love and time we have, and the generosity of others toward animals, we are still able to feed our giving spirits by taking care of special needs foster pups.

You want to know what's odd about all of this? While I do miss having those things to give, thanks to the people in my current life, I'm actually happier than ever. Huh...imagine that. 

For the first time I'm truly experiencing anxiety/fear/stress and humbleness. In the next few days and weeks, I will be seeing specialists about medications, surgery, and hearing aids for my ears. I'm overwhelmed, not only by the money this will take, but all of the insurance hoop-jumping required and even haggling to make payment plans with the doctors. 

While I know I have mentioned the pain and fear of the pain often, I've mentioned very little about these financial fears. Yet somehow, my friends and angels have come up with words of encouragement, offers of help through the medical system, offers of rides, company for Jamie and her parents, prayers, karma, and good spirits and yes, even offers of money and loans. 

As this humbles me, it also lets me know how very very blessed I am. Thank you. 

Sometimes "thank you" are not the easiest words to say. My gut reaction is to say "I appreciate your offer, but I'll be just fine." This time I really do need the help being offered. I guess they are right, God doesn't close a door without opening a window. 

When we deny a gift

– be it praise or present –

it’s rude, impolite and hurtful. 

Think about it! 

The giver was sharing with their heart and wanted to put a smile on our face or give our spirits a little boost and we essentially threw it back in their face. 

When the same giver continuously has their gifts rejected, they eventually stop sharing them. 

This is bad for both parties as they each feel unappreciated but for different reasons. 

That’s horrible and unnecessary and can be avoided by just saying 

“Thank you.”

 

Zen Frogs and Pickles have made my Christmas!

 

Woooooshhhh!!!!  What a busy, holy days season!!!!!!! And to be honest, its not even over yet. Jamie and I have declared Epiphany, "Stocking Day". If Epiphany is good enough for Jesus to get his presents, then its good enough for us too!! :)

I think this season I have gotten some of the most thoughtful and loving and "ME" gifts I've ever gotten. I've received everything from pink and green frogs, sherbert colored fish, candy, a waterproof phone cover, numerous videos and last but not least, a pickle with a Santa hat on it. (This is a condensed version, but you catch my drift of how thoughtful and loving everyone was. I can only hope my baby xmas trees, pens, "perfume", charms, and paw prints come close to the TLC I received.)

But OHHHHHHHHH the pickle! Let me tell you about the pickle!!! A friend that I have been getting to know better and better through work and my blog gave me my amazing pickle.

Here is my pickle!!!

Here is a very brief history of the pickle

Growing up Lutheran, and some small percentage of German, I knew some of the history of The Christmas Pickle. My cousins had one and I knew something about an extra present, but that's about as far as it went. When reading the history on MY pickle, I learned the part about slowing down and appreciating the other ornaments. Hmmmmmm. Teaching children, or adults, to slow down and appreciate at Christmas time. Kind of a novel concept. 

Now that Christmas is basically over (except those of us waiting for Epiphany), lets look back in retrospect for a moment. What allowed you to step back and take a moment to appreciate your surroundings? What allowed you to take a breath and enjoy the moment? Was there anything that actually took your breath away? 

Think about this a little. Then please take time and share your answers with us. I'm not asking for a list of things, electronics, or expensive gifts you got for Christmas. Share with us the little breathtaking frog or pickle moments. Did you even take time to allow yourself to have a frog or pickle moment? Did you give a pickle or frog moment? 

Rainbow Haley & Rainbow Claude

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Dear Friends, 

I've missed all of you and our discussions and comments so much. I can't thank you enough for all the prayers/concerns/karma/warm thoughts/good wishes for the healing of my ears. Also, for the quick arrival of our new computer cord. 

Hope no one has forgotten about my blog, please invite more friends to join and comment as we close out this year and start a new one. 

Love, peace, and shalom to all.

Carrie Lynn

A moon by any other name....

 

 

When I first discovered the moon,  I gave it a different name.

But everyone kept calling it the moon. 

The real name never caught on. 

 Brian Andreas

 

 

For some reason this makes me think of faith and courage. What are they? Does it take courage and or faith to stand by what you believe in, even if no one else sees it the same way as you do?

Do those of you that see the world a little different, feel frustrated or lucky? Ashamed or joyful?

I often see the world very differently, my upbringing, my autism, my Carrie(ness), who knows. For awhile people tried to medicate it out of me and I let them. Let me tell you that was when I was a MESS! Yes, sometimes it is a little scary and overwhelming to see things so differently.....but I'm thankful I do. I'm even more blessed when I  have the courage to share with others what I "see"...often it shows them a different way at looking at something and they like it. Even more exciting to me , is it gives them the courage to open up to me and share how they see something new and different too.

It's very interesting to me that some faiths teach you to be a blind follower, everything is literal. To me this takes great faith and courage. To take what some one else is teaching you , take their word for it, place it in your heart and soul and learn to believe and have faith in it.


Other faiths encourage you to meditate, to reach with in and explore. To study to learn and to expand your mind. Again, this takes faith and courage. Yes of a different sort, to trust yourself, to trust God's/Higher Power's voice with in you.

To me faith and courage often go hand in hand and are powerful things. Scary when used to hurt, amzing when used to heal and grow. Seems like both types can go either way.

I'm a seeker.....I want to learn learn learn.....learn from books, learn from stories, learn from others, learn from you, learn from experience, learn from my soul when I let my self hear God speak to it. This is my comfort, this is my joy. This is my faith renewed every day.

Where do  you find your faith?

Are we really just following different paths to the same God?

We all take our rest under the same beautiful peaceful moon that God has created for each and every one of us. God's gift to us ALL. May you find the peace, the strength, the courage and faith to take you where every your journey leads, to share it with others, and invite them along!

A moon by any other name...may be even more beautiful!

Shalom

************************************************************

The poem above is from a site called story people. Please check it out. I have found much inspiration and points in my life from here. Its also a lot of fun!! (Just click on the pretty purple link)

Story People

Again I invite you to share stories bought to mind by what I have written and the questions I have asked. AND please share this link!!! I know I say this most every night, but here it is again....share with us....I think we all want to learn, different opinions and beliefs are welcomed and help us all learn. Just first and fore most..RESPECT please. Disagree but not in a hateful condescending way.

I know some times blogger won't let every one respond...if this happens just respond on face book and I will cute and paste for you. Be anonymous if it helps, but peoples names with their thoughts are a beautiful think.


Love to all!!!
Carrie Lynn

Angels, Demons, and ME...OH MY!!!

I keep asking questions and not many are answering publicly....but your loading up my inbox in face book and e-mail so hopefully I'm getting something right here in my own little pulpit! I still hope for more discussion, but until then I'm grateful for what is being shared with me personally. I've grown so much, and gotten to know some of you much better.

The last two years have been very hard and there has all been a lot of healing. Especially these last few months. Thank you for all that have taken part in that journey.

Tonight I want to combine two things that I/we have talked about and then ask my nightly question.

I wrote about Good/Bad Wolf and got some interesting answers of how do you feed one or the other.

I got some good answers on the blog and even more in my inbox (come on you guys SHARE with each other!!!  Your brilliant and insightful!)


I/we also talked about every day angels and many people had stories about who are their earthly angels, their guardian angels, and how they are angels to each other. This was one of my favorites as far as responses go. However, again I say......respond here on the forum or over on facebook so we can all talk together!!

I bring these two up because last night while not able to sleep I was taking one of my normal (for me) wandering paths through the internet and I found an partial interview with Train , a musician, talking about the back ground to his very famous song Calling All  Angels!

It was interesting to me, because this song like many other have so many layers of meaning to me depending on how I feel at the time, or where I am in life. He said he was almost hesitant to share the personal meaning behind it because so many saw it as some what of a love song...and it really wasn't...unless it was a love song to himself.

He shared about being deep in therapy and self inspection, when his therapist finally told him...we are all made up of angels and demons.....a spiritual yin yang. That it is up to you to have the courage and power to call upon the angels so you can do good.

I've been thinking about this every since. How amazing is that? To CHOOSE to have to power to call the personal angels within YOURSELF. To give YOURSELF the power to change to world. To be some ones angel. Even if it is as simple as making some one in pain smile for just a minute. That smile could be contagious and who knows where it would go. Or maybe that smile gives the person the reason and courage to go on just a little longer.

The flip side? Allow our hurt, revenge, even laziness to have the power to call up the demons. To choose to call up our own personal demons. To cause hurt, pain, emotional scars and tears. What if out pettiness, cause us to choose to call our demons on a particular day instead of our angels? Are we responsible
for hurt we cause unknowing?

We like to take credit when we cause a smile that spreads, like a pay if forward sort of thing (see where I tied in movie and song???) Its very easy to say hey I put so and so in a good mood and look what they did, that was all cause of me. So do we assume on some level, the bad too? We frowned when some one wished us merry Christmas, it made them grumple at the next person they saw, that person kicked a dog, the dog bit a little old lady.....I know its pushing it but I think you see where I'm going.

Now I'm not here to get into theology on this one about are all angels good and all demons bad. Lets just go on the premise that angel=good..demon=bad, for this discussion. I promise we can open this can of worms another time.

So question for the night...... how do you choose, dig deep, and find the inner power to call your angels??

How do you see past your emotional or physical pain  and bring out angels?

Do you every just decide" f*ck" I hurt and so can they, so you CHOOSE to let the demons fly?


I'll be personal and very honest here.... some times I'm tired,,,I hurt to my physical core from seizures, this and other things have me emotionally down and then there is that one last thing.....the one that may seem simple to the person that did it, but it cut me to my very being and I want to let those demons out. I feel them coming to the surface and I think how good it would be to just let them fly free for a little while. Sometimes in this mood I'm sure I say that hurtful word or thought to some one that I would never truly mean to hurt. It takes every ounce of my...what?? I'm not even sure, soul, heart, being??  To call them back down and call out the angels.

So I ask you my friends, how do you make the choose, every day..to reach deep in your soul and come out with angels??

How do you know when you have let the demons out, maybe just a little? Is there a personal sign? How do you stop at that point?

How do you deal with the fact that those very angels or demons you call are part of you? Not a mystical magical creature, but part of your spiritual being? Does it scare you to know both are there? It does me!

"Calling All Angels"

I need a sign to let me know you're here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know that things are gonna look up
'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup

When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
When you feel the world shake from the words that are said

[Chorus:]
And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels

I won't give up if you don't give up [Repeat x4]

I need a sign to let me know you're here
'Cause my TV set just keeps it all from being clear
I want a reason for the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me

[Chorus]

When children have to play inside so they don't disappear
While private eyes solve marriage lies cause we don't talk for years
And football teams are kissing Queens
and losing sight of having dreams
In a world that what we want is only what we want until it's ours

[Chorus x2]

Calling all you angels [Repeat till fade]

May you sleep in peace tonight...surrounded by your angels!