I almost let you win
who??
yes you
you with the angelic grin
you act in god's name
who??
you, god
but what you do is cause pain
you claim to be holy
who??
you!!
you and your claim of holy
it almost happened today
what??
you winning
you almost, almost pulled me astray
your angelic smile
whose??
yours!!
you made me stumble mile after mile
we know who you are
who??
you!!
with your angelic smile from a far
I blew today off in a haste
why??
because of you
I listened to you and your waste
I won't do it again
what?
listen to you
and your cries of sin
I've been in tears most of today. A good part of the reason is physical. Very few people understand unseen pain. My ears hurt. On a scale of 1 to 10 my ears hurt a 9 almost all the time. I cry myself to sleep. I wake up crying. I volunteer to bathe dogs at work so the sound of the dryer can hide the sniffles of my tears. I hurt. (Thankfully unlike a couple of friends in my life there is an end in site. For those with no hope of relief...my heart goes out to you.) The doctor looked in them yesterday and says he can relief almost all if not all the pain, but sadly little hearing will come back. Something else people can't see. Deafness.
Sure I have some hearing. I lip read and GUESS and FAKE a lot more then most of you have any idea. But there is no magic fix like most vision problems. I can't go to the eye doctor, pay a couple hundred bucks and see perfect again. For a few THOUSAND I can get aides that let me get by. And this is only after the surgery.
So yes I have been crying in pain, frustration, embarrassment, hopelessness, fear....you name it!! Lots and lots of tears today. Will the pain stop? Will I hear at all? Where will the money come from? Am I becoming a bigger burden on friends and family? Everything I feel I want to be and am called to be involves hearing.
I've kept much of this fear (hearing loss) from loved ones. Why? I'm not sure...embarrassment, scared they won't understand, hopelessness? But now that in the last twenty four hours I've started to share, its getting better. Maybe thee is only money for the surgery....maybe hearing aides are months away. I don't know, but I do know I have people who will help me get there. I do know I still have YOU as part of my blog.
What will happen when I go back to work after surgery and I still can't answer that dreaded evil phone? I can't even begin to explain to any one not part of it what that "phone" does to us at work. Something so simple, that makes us mone, and wose burden can easily be shared has such power to divide us. So yes I cry over the worry of if I will be able to answer it when I go back.
So there is the physical and some of the emotional for me . It gets worse. Yep some how it all feeds on each other.
I watch the amazing love of my life suffer because of many things. Including you. (if you think I'm taking about you, don't' be vain...some of it may be you but mostly I mean evil, conceitedness, selfishness, and judgment. I don't often use the word devil..that makes people think he is simple and can be put in a box and sent away, so I go with evil)
Today she had panic and wanted to run from the world, partly cause she listened to you. Partly because she loves me so much she wants to "fix" this for me. Panic for the most part is another unseen pain. It real, its there... you can't take a deep breath and make it better. People miss out on a lot of beauty and strength because they wont take time to see past this.
So today I cried for her. I cried because I see her strength, I see her love and I see her pain. I cry because she has so much to share and you are to sure of your self and what you believe to take anything she has to offer. I cry because I see you want to cut her down. Why are you afraid of her? Of us?
Also I cried of happiness. We have people who love us. We have people that have offered and given money to hep with my surgery. We have people that offer to come and be with J and our family while I have surgery. To come sit with me the day after so J can work or rest or what ever she needs.
We have family and friends. We have a beautiful future. To save my sanity the last two days I've been thinking a lot of that future. Of taking J to Washington DC to make our life legal to the government and on paper not just in the eyes of our friends and God.. Some of you may think I'm crazy looking to June and October when I really just need to make it through the week. But I need to remember why. I need the hope.
While we have the "you" of evil....we also have the "you" of love and beauty. I get out hurt bu writing poetry like what I wrote above...and then when I let it out, I have room to let God back in. Maybe a better way to say that is , I let it out so I can feel God there, because I now SHE never leaves me, as much as you would like to steal HIM for yourself.
So yes angry and hurt Carrie is here again tonight at 430 am because I hurt, in pain and heart. Because the love of my life hurts, and it brings me peace to finally watch her sleep a little.
I also need to say thank you. Thank you to J's parents that are there with us every step of the way. For the call from J's mom this afternoon when I was just "done" and couldn't deal any more. And thank them for being MY family too. Thank you to the people offering and lending money. To those that at just the right time post on my facebook wall and make me smile. Even as simple as hitting like on something I posted can make me feel validated. Thank you for sending me text that make me giggle and feel loved and kept me company. Thank you to Jamie just because she is Jamie. Thank you to the friend that is helping look to the future and is offering anything to help keep our hearts safe, like helping come up for a pattern and dew the perfect dress for June.
I know I've missed some people here in black and white, but not in my heart. I'm writing through tears and it is real raw so sometimes mistakes are made.
So this may not be my nest "work". but its real.
I remind myself that:
Matthew 18:20
King James Version (KJV)
20For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.
So when I have surgery Friday there is no doubt in my heart or mind that God will be with us.
A romantic love song that makes me think of Jamie often, but tonight seemed way better then any church song as a way to offer my thanks to you.
I love YOU my family and friends. Thank YOU for helping me chase the evil "you" way.
My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why I,
Got out of bed at all,
The morning rain clouds up my window,
And I can't see at all,
And even if I could it'd all be grey,
But your picture on my wall,
It reminds me that it's not so bad,
It's not so bad.
I drank too much last night, got bills to pay,
My head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there'll be hell today,
I'm late for work again,
And even if I'm there, they'll all imply,
That I might not last the day,
And then you call me and it's not so bad,
It's not so bad.
And I want to thank you,
For giving me the best day of my life,
And oh, just to be with you,
Is having the best day of my life.
Pushed the door, I'm home at last,
And I'm soaking through and through,
Then you handed me a towel,
And all I see is you,
And even if my house falls down now,
I wouldn't have a clue,
Because you're near me.
And I want to thank you,
For giving me the best day of my life,
And oh, just to be with you,
Is having the best day of my life.
And I want to thank you,
For giving me the best day of my life,
And oh, just to be with you,
Is having the best day of my life
Got out of bed at all,
The morning rain clouds up my window,
And I can't see at all,
And even if I could it'd all be grey,
But your picture on my wall,
It reminds me that it's not so bad,
It's not so bad.
I drank too much last night, got bills to pay,
My head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there'll be hell today,
I'm late for work again,
And even if I'm there, they'll all imply,
That I might not last the day,
And then you call me and it's not so bad,
It's not so bad.
And I want to thank you,
For giving me the best day of my life,
And oh, just to be with you,
Is having the best day of my life.
Pushed the door, I'm home at last,
And I'm soaking through and through,
Then you handed me a towel,
And all I see is you,
And even if my house falls down now,
I wouldn't have a clue,
Because you're near me.
And I want to thank you,
For giving me the best day of my life,
And oh, just to be with you,
Is having the best day of my life.
And I want to thank you,
For giving me the best day of my life,
And oh, just to be with you,
Is having the best day of my life
3 comments:
You have every right to be angry, sad, scared, defensive, mad...anything.
Yes, you know that I know what hell panic is. Some people think it's silly or made up and easy to get over. Guess what, it's not. it's pure hell. It's hell for the person who has it and it's also hell for the people around that person who see what it does to that person. Ugh. I hate panic. I'm so sorry Jamie is plagued with panic. I know you are there for her. I also know that you need to take time for yourself. Not ignore Jamie, but take time for you and blog, write, do your poetry, go for a walk, play with a dog, etc. Just to be Carrie.
Your surgery will work out for the best. You will get your aids when you can. Hopefully sooner than later, but even later is better than nothing. You have amazing friends who are able to help. For those of us who are unable to help, we are still here for you. Wishing you well, praying for you and Jamie. You have an amazing support network.
While you have every right to be angry, mad, sad, etc, CHIN UP. It will get better. As you said, you have your eye on the prize by legalizing your marriage. Keep looking at that.
Love you.
I am fighting back tears for you and Jamie, tears for me. If Joe was at work I would just let it all out sitting in front of my computer. I try my best to hold it in and be strong and not be a burden or worrisome to him. I feel and understand your pain, not what's going on in your ears but in your mind and heart. I know how it is to suffer to the point you want to scream and others around just bee-bop around, uncaring, unfeeling, oblivious to what your going through. I know the desperation, your concerns for better health. I know you think and feel the same as me...something as simple as genuine teamwork would alleviate some of the stress. BUT this is a "ME" world.
I don't want others to do things FOR me but it sure would be nice for others to at least pull their weight. I know you are in agreement. You have been there, struggling to help someone out then left alone to catch up how you can.
I can tell you not to be scared, not to panic about the bills and surgery but who am I kidding? I wish I could take my own advice. I guess I say that because we are raised to say that to people we love, to try to give them comfort when there is no other way we can help them. I guess it eases our own mind and we are hoping that by some magical wave of the wand their pain and worry will be taken away by just those words "Don't worry, it will be ok".
For those people who are pain free in your lives, physical pain, be very thankful, be very glad. You never know when it will be you that hurts so bad you cannot move upon waking, or rising from a chair. For those of you who have perfect hearing or sight, cherish that. And don't be oblivious when it comes to those around you who hurt and don't want sympathy, we just want fairness. Carry your weight and stop being so self-focused that you see how your childish dependence further harms those who struggle everyday. They help you and make your lives easier, don't be an ostrich with your head in the sand. Your selfish acts and lack of understanding puts more burdens on us than we can bare.
Sorry Carrie, I think I may have hijacked your blog by my soap box sermon.
We are all sympathetic for those around us who are sick...if they have a fever or the stomach flu and miss work, we are all concerned. Wishing them to get well quickly. But those of us who come to work in pain but look fine get dismissed as hypochondriac or faking it and we are expected to perform at our best. We are expected to give and give by those who are fine but lazy or needy (I know you have heard over and over "Will you help me with this?" or "I can't do that") but those needy ones never look past their own scissors to say "hey, your struggling today, need a hand?" or "I've got this, you keep working". Oh sure there are a few who has said that to me, those people arent the ones to who I am referring.....
I keep thinking if I trudge onward, be a good strong soldier my pain will ease, someone WILL reach out, there will be equality, my time's coming....but so far it's hasn't happened. I keep waiting and praying and hoping.
I love ya Carrie....hold on....
No hi jacking at all my dear friend. Some of that pain release was in your name too. I love you so much dear friend. I think God made us friends to feed off each others strength. To be there when the other has a bad day. Xoxo.
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