poetry through a wet pillow

power power power 

power to those with autism

extremely scary...terrifying...horrifying 

friends have power

power of friends scary

making friends scary....terrifying...horrifying

trust trust trust

trust for those with autism

extremely confusing....terrifying....horrifying

to make friends chaotic

trust my heart...trust my brain...trust others

to whom do i listen  heart...brain....others.....

taking chances for those with autism

a game of numbers

chances are like roulette poker dice

chances are not chaotic

chances are not scary

chances are logic....logic good

for those with autism

risk does not >< equate chance

chance is logic, risk is chaotic

chance is fun... hopeful.... fulfilling

risk gives up power

risk confusing...terrifying...horrifying

new place...new time...new people

maybe time to risk power

maybe time to trust

i trusted you...i risked friendship

i felt the rush of risk and chaos

i gave you power

mistake! mistake! mistake!

back into my autistic brain

autism likes chance, logic

helplessness...hopelessness....chaotic-ness

to take a risk, to give up power

to ask for friendship and receive........what?

I know there are many many people with great needs, needs of money, needs of friendship, needs of housing, needs of transportation....the list goes on.

I know for many of you, I'm very hard to understand. Because of my autism, I've learned my social skills through imitation, through reading, and through classes much like those grace and charm classes southerners used to take. I realize on the surface, I look fine and dandy, and am one of those easy people to make "friends" with.

Through much study of how others make friends, I've tried to put myself out there and give. I suddenly wake up and find I can count my friends and buddies on one hand. As much as I have given and shared of what little I have, I asked for help and received little in return.

No I'm not talking about money. I know most of you have about as much as I do, which means you check your ATM before you buy a loaf of bread. But what I did hope for was text or short Facebook messages which I received very little of.

Is it me? Do I not know how to make friends? Did I do something wrong in the past that its my turn for Karma to kick me in the ass? (My past was pretty rough, so I must have REALLY messed up if that's it). Did I offend by asking for help, was I supposed to just wait?

I know most of you have known me for less than 2 years and don't know how much I've changed by letting the real me show. I'm beginning to wonder if this was a chaotic risk that was a mistake rather than a calculated chance when I would have known better.

Right now, I question myself. I discuss with Jamie nightly and often her parents, should I go back on medication that, while it helps with my autism, numbs all other emotions. Calculated chance says yes. Chaotic risk says no.

I know there are a few of you out there who are real friends. Through you, I have learned what real friendship is....not what a book tells me, not what studying tells me, not what autism classes tell me, but YOU, a real friend. Sadly, these numbers are few.

Once again, I want to remind you I'm not saying this because of money. I'm saying this because of compassion and empathy. Friends are there for each other when they hurt. They are patient, they are kind, they make the simple kind of contact like sending a text. I feel like I miscalculated and taken a risk expecting compassion and empathy.

Once more I want to say there are a few of you out there in real life and Facebook (the couple of you I'm talking about on FB are as real to me as if I saw you every day), that have taught me more about love, compassion, friendship, and empathy in a very short time. I'm grateful and blessed that God/dess has sent you to me. Maybe I'm even lucky God/dess has sent the others to me to remind me that life is worth the risk.

Would I change anything? Is there a single one of you I wouldn't have taken the chance of being friends with? No. Emphatically, no. Will I be more careful, honestly I doubt it. Am I hurt? Emphatically YES. Will I go back on the medications that help my autism but dull my emotions? NO. My creativity, my love of creation, YES even my love of people, and my ability to see the magnitude of how all encompassing God/dess is, has grown with the change of medication. So NO, I will not be going back on that medication.

I feel I have been honest with you about beliefs, differences, and personal opinions that I owed it to you, if I'm going to call myself friend, to allow you to see the raw hurt.

The risk I took in learning to make friends may have only gifted me with a few new friends. Every single one of you is worth the pain of those lost combined.

Matthew 25:40

The Message (MSG)

 ^37-40"Then those 'sheep' are going to say, 'Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?' Then the King will say, 'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.' 

To those who have taken the time to care, I want you to know how truly and sincerely thankful I am to you.

King of the Mountain of Destruction...or "Im taking my hope and going home"

I understand competition. I enjoy competition. I've delivered and received defeat, both to and from my competitors. I understand winning. I understand losing. 


What I don't understand. I don't understand enjoyment in total destruction. I don't understand delight in breaking a heart. I don't understand destroying another one's hope. 

It seems to me as of late competition has changed. No longer do we see a gracious winner bend down to take the hand and pull up the defeated. The conqueror and the defeated somewhere along the line stopped seeing each other as human. 


To win without compassion is to destroy another human's hope. What happens by destroying another humans hope? The other human is destroyed. If this continues on, there can only be one singular victor that stands alone among a pile of nothingness and inhumanity, for he has destroyed all other humans. 

Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive.

Dalai Lama

HOPE-REVENGE

HOPE-JEALOUSY

HOPE-SHAME

Hope, whose whisper would have given

Balm to all my frenzied pain,

Stretched her wings, and soared to heaven,

Went, and ne'er returned again!

EMILY BRONTE, Hope

HOPE-ENVY

HOPE-MADNESS

HOPE-JOYLESSNESS

The word which God has written on the brow of every man is Hope.

VICTOR HUGO, Les Misérables

HOPE-LONLINESS

HOPE-BULLYING 

HOPE-IGNORANCE

Job 5:16

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁶ So the poor have hope,
   and injustice shuts its mouth. 

 

HOPE-DESTROY

HOPE-FEAR

HOPE-HYPOCRISY 

Most of us as children loved the game of "king of the mountain". But suddenly in today's time, it no longer seems to be a game. What is the game, what is the challenge, to be the king and stand on a pile of destruction? 

Can anyone tell me why one would totally destroy another one's hope?  

I love my differences except when I find them scary

I take great pride (and not the sin pride, but the happiness pride) in being unique. For a long time, my uniqueness and differences shamed me. Now, with the help of special friends in my life, helping me open my heart to God, I've learned to accept the fact that God knew, believed in me, understood, and gave me the strength to embrace each and every one of these differences She has given me. 

Do I know why She's given me these differences? I wish I was that powerful or insightful, but at this point in time, it is not mine to know. I do know that differences that come with my autism tend to make me quirky and make my sense of humor a joy to others. I open my mouth and forget to engage autism filters. I'd like to say what comes out is not what I meant, but really what happens is what comes out is what I"m really thinking (and probably most of you), and this seems to bring great delight in its truthfulness. 

My hearing, and boy is that a touchy subject right now, in the past, has sometimes been fun. I can count on at least once a day, a friend I'm close enough to, to not worry about hurting my feelings,  laugh gleefully when I ask a question based on what I HEARD, rather than what was said. At work, this has become a great game. 

My having these two "disabilities" could cause me great pain and difficulty. But because I'm so blessed with the friendship and love God/dess has given me, I instead more often receive joy and laughter. Yes, beyond a doubt, I know I have been blessed by God/dess and am thankful every day. 

The last few weeks, as I have found out my hearing loss has dropped from severe to profound and I'm pretty close to being "labeled" as deaf, its no longer funny or joyful to me. Putting it bluntly, I am terrified. Without God/dess, Jamie, Teddy, family and friends+FB, I'm not sure where I would be right now. My heart races, my brain can't stop, I'm scared all of my dreams will fall through (how can I learn to chant Hebrew if I can't hear it?) 

I am honestly not saying being different is wrong, a burden,  or that I would change it for the world. I love how God/dess made me, autism, hard of hearing, queer, and all. However right now, not seeing getting my hearing back in sight...its overwhelming me. YOU are helping me get through this along with God/dess and my family. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul. 

In a way, I apologize that my blog has taken such a drastic turn from being happy, spiritual, educational Carrie, to terrified, frustrated, crying and angry Carrie. Notice I said "in a way". Bottom line, I'm glad that my earlier blogs caught your attention so you're now here for me. I'm scared but at lest I'm not lonely.]

At night, I open the window and ask the moon to come and press its face against mine. Breathe into me. Close the language-door and open the love-window. The moon won't use the door, only the window. ~Rumi

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Teddy here,

Mommy has talked to me a lot about being different. Like me for example, I don't even know what breed of dog I am and this as bothered me. The mommies have researched and decided I am an Italian Jack with Whip Cream in top.  We think it sounds funny and describes ME, and covers most of the bases.

I work when the doggies just get to be dogs. I love taking care of Mommy with her seizures and autism.  I think God/dess made me just for this different family. Some say different , I say lucky. Mama Jamie got Mommy a really cool get well present when she was scared to go to the hospital , (they wouldn't let me go cause I'm not all the way trained.) We named him Brubby and he is a monster and he is very very different. Because monsters are supposed to be scary,  and Brubby is cute and makes mommy feel safe and not scared, Brubby is not at all like other monsters. 

Mommy has been watching lots and lots of cartoon videos because she has been too sick to wonder around the house without Mommy Jamie at home. I watch with her. I requested Mommy Jamie to bring home Monsters, Inc the movie, so I could teach Brubby that not all monsters are scary. 

Teddy and Brubby watching Monsters, Inc

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(From Jamie)  As many of you know, Carrie is also autistic (aspergers) and has asked me to provide donation details as she is getting a bit overwhelmed. The instructions are below. Please email us at t.paws@aol.com for any questions. 

TO DONATE:

Click on the PAYPAL Button on the right side of the screen on THIS blog. There you will be given an option to use your Paypal account to donate, OR if you do not have a Paypal account, click on "continue" by the Visa, Mastercard etc icons on the lower left hand corner. Follow the prompts to process your donation. 

Alternatively, if you have a Paypal account, you may go to Paypal, click "send money" and follow the prompts. Our paypal account is t.paws@aol.com.

If you would like to send a donation by snail mail, please email us for the address. 

Email t.paws@aol.com or autisticmystic@gmail.com for address or other information.

*Important note...we are not a non profit and your gift is not tax deductible. Unless otherwise specified this is a gift, not a loan. We are very thankful for any amount you may be able to give and will be good stewards of your donation.

Current gifts with donations are: 

Necklace $10

Keychain $10

Earrings   $15

Plain guitar pick with logo $5

Bracelet    $10

MAGI: The Journey Begins.....1000 BC

I'm still studying Magi and will be for awhile. From comments and e-mails it seems you want to learn with me...so here goes!!!! Also I hope more of you jump in!!! Remember I'm not doing this as a teacher, just as the leader on a group journey.


One school of thought of where the term Magi came from and who they are is that the word, like many  words, has changed its meaning over a period of time. It was originally associated with the Medes and the Persians and has its beginning with a man called Zoroaster. Around the year 1000 BC, Zoroaster began to proclaim a religious message based on the principle `Do good, hate evil'. He preached that there was just one god, Ahura-Mazda, (Wise Lord). Ahura-Madza was the good force in the world represented by purifying fire and water and was apparently a god that one could talk to. Opposed to the good, taught Zoroaster, was a dark power of evil. This code of belief has survived in one form or other throughout history and even has its followers today in the poorer communities of modern day Iran. Simply put the Magi were followers of this school of thought. There is much deeper we can go and will, such as including astrology but I thought we could start here.




This is a short combined version of several really long histories I have been studying. I thought it would be a good place for us to start. To learn just the few things in this paragraph and then head on.

Now maybe I'm the only one to think this, but if we just changed a few names,  ...... doesn't it sound a lot like we are talking about early Judaism or Christianity?  One god....do good...avoid evil....mmmmmm makes you think. Or at least makes me think.

How many of you out there think there are multiple paths? Multiple names for "the one god"?

What if there are many different paths up the same mountain with "good" and "heaven" being at the peak?

OK just in case you have lots of questions like I do, here are some definitions and the start of some research, but by all means...search, study , ask, goggle, go the library, etc and come back and share!!!

Zoraster:

Zoroaster (English pronunciation: /ˌzɒroʊˈæstər/ zohr-oh-as-tər), also known as Zarathustra (Avestan: Zaraϑuštra), was a prophet and the founder of Zoroastrianism who was either born in North Western or Eastern Iran. He is credited with the authorship of the Yasna Haptanghaiti as well as the Gathas, hymns which are at the liturgical core of Zoroastrianism. There is no consensus among scholars about the period of life, with the estimated dates of his birth range from 6000 BC to 100 BC. The majority of his life is known through the Avestan texts.

Zoroaster holds the celestial sphere in Raphael's School of Athens

From Wikipedia  ( good info but now I have more words and ideas to look up)

Medes:

The Medes^{[N 1]} (from Old Persian Māda-) were an ancient Iranian people^{[N 2]} who lived in Iran in an area known as Media and spoke a northwestern Iranian language referred to as the Median language. Their arrival to the region is associated with the first wave of Iranian tribes in the late second millennium BCE (the Bronze Age collapse) through the beginning of the first millennium BCE.

A few archaeological sites (discovered in the "Median triangle" in western Iran) and textual sources (from contemporary Assyrians and also Greeks in later centuries) provide a brief documentation of the history and culture of the Median state. These architectural sources, religions temples, and literary references show the importance of Median lasting contributions (such as the Safavid-Achaemenid-Median link of the tradition of "columned audience halls") to the Iranian culture. A number of words from the Median language are still in use and there are languages being geographically and comparatively traced to the northwestern Iranian language of Median. The Medes had an Ancient Iranian Religion (a form of pre-Zoroastrian Mazdaism or Mithra worshipping) with a priesthood named as "Magi". Later and during the reigns of last Median kings the reforms of Zarathustra spread in western Iran.

From Wikipedia  ( good info but now I have EVEN MORE words and ideas to look up)

Ahura-Madza

Ahura Mazdā (also known as Ohrmazd, Ahuramazda, Hourmazd, Hormazd, Hurmuz, Aramazd and Azzandara) is the Avestan name for a divinity of the Old Iranian religion who was proclaimed the uncreated God by Zoroaster, the founder of Zoroastrianism. Ahura Mazda is described as the highest deity of worship in Zoroastrianism, along with being the first and most frequently invoked deity in the Yasna. The word Ahura means light and Mazda means wisdom. Thus Ahura Mazda is the lord of light and wisdom. Ahura Mazda is the creator and upholder of Arta (truth). Ahura Mazda is an omniscient (though not omnipotent) god, who would eventually destroy evil. Ahura Mazda's counterpart is Angra Mainyu, the "evil spirit" and the creator of evil who will be destroyed before frashokereti (the destruction of evil).

From Wikipedia (BOY, all of this research is leading to more research. I don't know about you, but I am excited!!!)

WOW!!!!!!!!! Boy, we've got a lot of information and we've barely even started. 

I know I've mentioned this earlier, but, doesn't this sound at least a little like what modern religions including Christianity aim for? 

Any thoughts on how this beginning turned into the Magi who came to visit and gift the Baby Jesus over a thousand years later? 

Now, this is off the subject of what I've written today, but none of you, have been brave or courageous enough to say your THOUGHTS (we're all learning here, we're not gonna hold you to it) on whether or not any of the Magi that came to see Baby Jesus could have possibly been female. 

There is a long way to go. This is the beginning of the beginning. Not every blog is going to be on the Magi, but many will as my studies progress. I hope you continue to join me. The biggest help any of you could give is ask questions, ask questions, ask questions. Make comments. Agree. Disagree. Let me know you are out there. I'm gonna be honest here, when you ask questions, I seriously doubt at this point I'll know the answer, but I will research and learn with you.

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Remember the donation button to help me raise money to hear again is on the side of my blog, you can go to paypal.com, click on "send money" and use t.paws@aol.com as the payee. If anyone would prefer to send a check or money order to a real place, email me at either t.paws@aol.com or autisticmystic@gmail. com for the address. 

Current gifts with donations are: 

keychain (minimum donation $10), necklace (minimum donation $10), earrings (minimum donation $15), bracelet (minimum donation $10) 


After making a donation, be sure to email us at autisticmystic@aol.com so I know which gift to send. Keep an eye out on The Autistic Mystic Face Book page for specials


I cannot say thank you enough to those of you who have already donated through $$$$, time, prayers, thoughts, ideas, and hugs.

Journey to bionic ears. (God/dess is is the science!)

(disclaimer, this are NOTHING like the bionic ears I'm getting)

Since many friends and followers are very curious in their support and are continuously asking "where we are at", we decided to male a fun little chart.  We will post regular updates. The chart is made to break down in $1,000  increments,  so we can post small steady gains daily, and post the whole chart, at major mile stones.

Remember the donation button is on the side of my blog, you can go to paypal.com, click on "send money" and use t.paws@aol.com as the payee. If anyone would prefer to send a check or money order to a real place, email me at either t.paws@aol.com or autisticmystic@gmail. com for the address.

Thanks so much to those that have already made donations and those that made it possible for the co-pay (with out which they wouldn't have done the surgery) .

A special thank you to those donors who have made this fund raiser possible. Without you, we don't know what we would have done.

We are off to a slow start. But i hope the gifts with donations and so many people wiling to help "sell inf" them will hep. Hooray for helpful friends. i even have a friend writing helpful informative letters to famous people involved in autism or musicians into self empowering music that I have used for videos before, and how much it not only hurts me to lose this music , but also I will have trouble making community service videos out with no hearing.

I have friends researching places to help.

I have I mwntioned I may be deqd by I am blessed!!!

I locv you guys   we will do this!!!
PS tgere is a 100 dollar donation coming YAY! Its not here het but we wi he to add it soom.

Lets have story time!!!

OK I've talked a lot about my ears, and will some more. Losing my hearing changes my whole world.

However, I have lots of other spiritual journeys I want to follow, and learn together. I hope as we explore more and further YOU each of you readers will share with each other your thoughts. I want your help to learn and stretch. My heart and soul. As I said before, we will disagree. Guess what? Disagreeing  is good. Really!!! It shows we are not blind sheep and just saying yes yes yes.

 

I started a section of  with parables while back because i wanted to explore how stories are used to teach us things. We know that much of what Jesus said in his stories/parables were just that..stories. Stories meant to teach us things. They are great ways to teach...both for children and adults. They catch our attention, they entertain us, they us symbolism, they are often easy to remember, at lest the details, and most times they are fun.

Stories are how history is handed down  from grandparent to grandchild, shaman to student, family to family. tribe to tribe, teacher to student , warrior to warrior, and so on.. 

We use story telling in almost all traditions, cultures and religions. Before the written word there were oral stories. Sometimes singing and chanting. "A picture tells a thousand words."  So pictures tell stories. All of this is a way to share history.

History, including the Bible is full of stories. Through the ages stories we grow up with become beloved. We grow up with many similar stories and fairy tales, that teach morals and ethics,and we all have a favorite child hood book that for what ever reason strikes us as the best ever.

We never out grow it. Some thing about it reaches us in a way no other thing can. Mine is the Golden Egg Book. Its all about  finding and making a life long friend. I even have the last page as a tattoo because it is so important to me.

Yet, the people who tell these stories, some times through the years lose words, words, change, at certian times scribes were hired to copy and they were uneducated, they basically just copied and had no idea what they copied.

People change stories to suit their needs . To help prove a point, to educate, or even to win an argument. Sadly I'm not just talking about children story books.  I'm talking about the bible too. Here is where many will disagree and say the bible is always right, never changes.  Yet we admit it is translated, some of the old testament was only for "then and them".I guess we want it both ways and it scares us not to have it both.

So lets explore together "stories " from the bible. The story, the history, the myth and ,more. We will come away with a few answers, lots of questions, and I'm sure different ideas. If we remember respect , listen, and open our hearts and minds to the possibilities..... it will be an amazing journey.

My new obsession is the Magi so I woulds like to start there.



Food for thought until tomorrow:


Where there only 3?

When did they get there?

What if some were women?

What if some were eunuchs?

Did the practice magic?

Just a few questions a have zillions?  What are some of yous? I f you have some or some ides, PLEASE eave thoughts and questions in the comments section here or on m Facebook page.

(Disclaimer...I believe the bible is a holy book, i just don't believe in judging a book by its cover, or by the men that scream they know all it says from the pulpit.


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Remember the donation button is on the side of my blog, you can go to paypal.com, click on "send money" and use t.paws@aol.com as the payee. If anyone would prefer to send a check or money order to a real place, email me at either t.paws@aol.com or autisticmystic@gmail. com for the address.

Thanks so much to those that have already made donations and those that made it possible for the co-pay (with out which they wouldn't have done the surgery) .

Friday the 13th weekend specials.....check it out ...5 bucks to help me and to get a small gift!!!

This week end only (and Fri the 13th is included in the week end)......make a  $5 donation to my "I want to hear what you hear" fund raiser and get your choice of the guitar pick/charm or bracelet.

After you make your donation e-mail me at autisticmystic@aol.com to let me know your choice. Also you can comment on my page under where this is posted to let me know. 

Let get this rolling. In 5 weeks I want to HEAR the shouts of jubilation that we have raised enough money!!!

This is where we stand as of right now.

We are being asked by many of you how you can help, even though don't have money.  Simple and easy........share share SHARE these request on your pages. Tell friends. You never know who may have a few bucks tucked away to help out!

This is the bracelet. Your basic gel/silicon bracelet in adult 8 inch size. (Guys the pink is really dark, and besides real mean wear PINK!) 

This is my personal favorite. I spent hours on doctoring the "ear" to make it fit and to make it mine. I may be bragging but I personally think it looks cool and artistic. Is it a guitar pick, a charm, a necklace, a pocket good luck piece...what ever you want it to be!!!

If you see me in person I'll try to have them on hand so there is no need for you to order them!



I wish I had more good news......but mostly the same...the right ear is still in major pain and had no hearing. The right feels much better, but almost no hearing.

I know I am one of the "lucky" ones . I CAN get most of my hearing back. It may not be 100% and it may be bionically/mechanical, but I can get it back. 


I want to let every one know how much your emotional support has helped. I love opening up my Facebook and seeing funny pictures on my wall from you, letting me know your thinking of me. I get excited when I see I have a text and its one of you checking in.  I believe in the power of prayer, that in it self is a gift. 

I have so much faith this will happen, that I have already named my new bionic ears , that have not even been ordered, much less programed for me..






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Remember the donation button is on the side of my blog, you can go to paypal.com, click on "send money" and use t.paws@aol.com as the payee. If anyone would prefer to send a check or money order to a real place, email me at either t.paws@aol.com or autisticmystic@gmail. com for the address.

Thanks so much to those that have already made donations and those that made it possible for the co-pay (with out which they wouldn't have done the surgery) .

A special thank you to those donors who have made this fund raiser possible. Without you, we don't know what we would have done.

Bracelets, guitar picks, and thanks, OH MY!!! Our newest fund raiser!!

Read all about it read about it!!

Great news ahead!!!

People are offering to help with donations.

However we don't want you to go home empty handed!

For JUST a 10 dollar donation we have:

 For a donation of 20 or more:

We realize the words in the pictures didnt come out as big as we would have liked.

The bracelet is for a $10 dollar or more donation.

The guitar pick is for a $20 dollar or more donation.

For a $25 dollar or more donation you get both!!!

Bigger donations (and yes we have had them, we will e-mail you to see how we can work something out, yet make sure we have treats for every one.

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For any of you that don't know yet, I have just recently had  surgery on my ears. (Bi-lateral)

It cleared up almost all of the pain in my left ear and very little in my right but it is getting better. The scary, sad thing is that no hearing came back. To HELP my hearing I need a set of hearing aids that run 5200. with out these i pretty much will NOT hear.

I now every one has ideas and wants to help.....the TV and Mall ones like miracle ear and beltone won't help. I've spoken with several specialist, ENT's, and audiologist. Short of going to aids that cost more and do less this is about all that will help.

My insurance will help some, but everything is pre-paid. What we are asking for in help, doesn't, begin to cover our deductibles and co-pays. We are just trying to get help in what must be PRE -PAID.

I've missed weeks of work because of being in to much pain, being to weak, and having to much vertigo to work. Work has been great, but I only have so much sick and vacation time. Jamie's hours have been cut because of the time of year, and she misses to care for me. 

I'm loving my life, my friends , my family, and my job. I don't want to miss out on more and more because I can't hear. I'm well aware that many Deaf people I've awesome and fulfilling lives.  However after living my life as semi-hearing.....starting it again at 42 is overwhelming.  So i'm asing for help in what ever donation you can make.

I wish there was some way to explain this last loss to you.  The best I can come up with is when you are in a dark scary pace with an almost dead flash light and the battery finally gives. Well....my battery has given out and I'm more then scared...I'm terrified.

I'm scared of losing a job I love, I'm scared of osing friends that don't understand, and I'm scared of losing music.  I'm terrified I won't learn spoken Hebrew for theology.  DId you catch that I'm scared???

Any donation you can make would be awesome. If not, and I know many can not, ...can I count on you to not only share this, but to put a note before the post explaining a litte about who I am to you so your friends will read it?

Peace and love to you all,

Carrie

P.S  If you have already donated your still counted in!

We will e-mail each donor as we  receive their donation  within 2-3 days. We will start having product in the mail as soon as possible.

Remember the donation button is on the side of my blog, you can go to paypal.com, click on "send money" and use t.paws@aol.com as the payee. If anyone would prefer to send a check or money order to a real place, email me at either t.paws@aol.com or autisticmystic@gmail. com for the address.


A special thank you to those donors who have made this fund raiser possible. Without you, we don't know what we would have done.

 

.

Where does it hurt? Everywhere!

Trying to make it through one day at a time!!

How can I not with friends like mine?

I hurt, I cry

I feel worth less than a dime.

Then you call/text/IM/tweet

I know you're there

I believe you're wonderful 

And you show the world just how sweet

With out you where would I be?

Would I be lost?

Or would I be trapped?

This I know I would be far from free

I know its just a simple little poem, not my normal style, but the last few days have been very very rough and I needed you to know how much you mean to me.

I'm use to being "different" in oh so many ways. In fact I'm not even going to list them right now. But it's is the differences that have made me me. The quirks in my social skills, my sense of humor being a little off, and even my "deaf" accent seem to be part of my charm. When a few times a day I hear wrong its easy for those around me to be supportive and make it a joke. Including me, not making fun of me.

But now......in almost total silence....many of the jokes are gone. It hurts. People say its just your ears...its just hearing. What do they know??? It HURTS!!! Yes the physical is getting better, but no whispers, no voices, few dog barks even. IT HURTS. 

To have friends ...yes FREINDS not just one of 3000+ crack jokes about not hearing  HURTS. To do this today while knowing what I'm going through HURTS.

Most of you also know I'm autistic....far from retarded.  But the tard jokes hurt.Once again I'm talking about people that know me not just of me on facebook.

People ask how I am and I say "fine".  I'm a good southern girl. That's what you say.

I'm not fine. I'm not OK. I hurt.

My ears hurts. My heart hurts, my soul hurts. I'm scared and people make jokes.

For those of you that have been there...the cheesy poem above is for you. Thank you!!!!

The following video  was one we made about a year ago when so much tormenting of teens was going on. I think all you adults agree.....it gets better, but it doesn't always go away.

I hurt. Inside and out.

FYI  this is the real version with the true words!

In my honor turn the volume way way way up...or maybe the opposite....so low you barely hear it and struggle to catch every word and meaning.

While I'm at it.......I would love for you to share with us which words are "hurt" words for you? Maybe together we can stop using them!!

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Pretty much same news as this morning, but wanted to make sure you guys all got it. 

Personal note to followers and friends.

Left ear almost no pain (a blessing and I'm thankful) . Right ear, pain is still as sever as before surgery and still bleeding.

No returned hearing in either, at this point I'm told if it were going to happen it would have.  Bright side I didn't lose the last tiny bit, but still so little to work with.

Frustrating, scary and overwhelming, but I have you, friends, family and about a zillion pets!! Not to mention Gods plans. Even though I wish I knew it.

There is little doubt I will need stage 2...the special hearing aids with the extended tubes. I believe God wants me to be hearing and will HELP this to happen.

SO again I ask for you help.


Extra thanks to those who have already sent money to help with Stage 2 of surgery.....Hearing aid placement.  We have a good start but as much as I hate asking and admitting, we do still need a lot of help. Remember the donation button is on the side of my blog, you can go to paypal.com, click on "send money" and use t.paws@aol.com as the payee. If anyone would prefer to send a check or money order to a real place, email me at either t.paws@aol.com or autisticmystic@gmail. com for the address.

Peace, Love, Thanks, Rawr!! and Shalom to all .

Carrie Lynn

How do I answer "WWJD", when honesty I'm not even sure what he SAID?

Hello hello!!!

Let me just give all you dear friends fair warning.....autistic me, much needed pain killers, still pain, can't sleep, quote book that includes scripture.....makes for some interesting round about questions in my head that I just must get out and share.

Acts 5:29

Darby Translation (DARBY)

 ²⁹But Peter answering, and the apostles, said, God must be obeyed rather than men.

I'm being sincere.....how do we know what is God's word and what is mans? I believe PERSONALLY the Bible is a wonderful inspired  by GOD work of HUMANS. That's right  much inspiration, how ever many, many ,many human hands, thoughts, mistakes, politics, desires, wars, translations, interpretations,changing of word meanings, historical growth,  etc etc etc. 

Yes I now context etc, blah, blah.....but this is a scripture that old and young, conservative and liberal, want to use.

So I'm asking you..not you pastor/preacher/Sunday school teacher/elder/bishop...not your mom/dad/grandparents/aunt uncle.......wo ever you go to....

How do you know if you are following man or God? God's word or just what you have been told?

I would love to have discussion here with the bog or over on Facebook. Remember, its ok to disagree...with respect. I really want to hear from you folks. What makes you tick!

This is short because I want to hear from you!!!!! Fill up those comment lines folks!!! Please !!!??

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Personal note to followers and friends.

Left ear almost no pain (a blessing and I'm thankful) . Right ear, pain is still as sever as before surgery and still bleeding.

No returned hearing in either, at this point I'm told if it were going to happen it would have.  Bright side I didn't lose the last tiny bit, but still so little to work with.

Frustrating, scary and overwhelming, but I have you, friends, family and about a zillion pets!! Not to mention Gods plans. Even though I wish I knew it.

There is little doubt I will need stage 2...the special hearing aids with the extended tubes. I believe God wants me to be hearing and will HELP this to happen.

SO again I ask for you help.


Extra thanks to those who have already sent money to help with Stage 2 of surgery.....Hearing aid placement.  We have a good start but as much as I hate asking and admitting, we do still need a lot of help. Remember the donation button is on the side of my blog, you can go to paypal.com, click on "send money" and use t.paws@aol.com as the payee. If anyone would prefer to send a check or money order to a real place, email me at either t.paws@aol.com or autisticmystic@gmail. com for the address.

Peace, Love, Thanks, Rawr!! and Shalom to all .

Carrie Lynn

i

Sir Bubby and I work hard to keep each other from the castle of despair

 .

Sir Bubby and the Castle of Despair

Yesterday (Friday) was surgery day.. Also known to me and those that love me as first big step of me REALLY hearing.


As I've said before, I WAS moderate to severely deaf but challenges over the last few years (the infections, some times having no insurance, not having the time off work or the money, and doctors truly not understanding through my autism that when I say I hurt like a *%$@, I really mean it). This has moved me from moderate to severe and close to profound . J will explain more about my not expressing pain physically or emotionally or my hiding my lack of hearing or any friend that wants to comment and (I hope you do help me out on here). 

I really have trouble describing my pain or showing it on my body or face. As some one with autism you learn social reactions and try not to be weird. But we have our melt downs over seemingly silly things and then normal pain reactions we mess up.

Any way those who have been following my blog or my friends know this of me. My experiences with doctors (until I got to the right one) was making me doubt myself, think I was crazy, or think maybe God was playing tricks on me or worse. Needless to say I haves new respect for "suffers" of hidden pain.

Most of you know I'm a huge reader. I'll read almost anything you put into my hands. From religious books, to fantasy, science fiction, historical fiction. Sometimes, I like to sit and read old school books. Right now, one of my new obsessions, and one I've never really had before are books of quotes. We just got one at our local used book store. I'm finding joy in this because, not only and I"m finding interesting quotes, this particular book notes its religious ancestry along with the author and book if known. Anybody out there with neuro- differences like autism or obsessive compulsiveness can understand what fun this is because one quote can lead to hours of research. These hours of research means learning so much more about the world than in my small corner.

One of the quotes I came across yesterday is  

"There is such a thing as hell on earth. For the most part, it is populated by people who fear so deeply that they cannot love."

-Author F. Forrester Church, Entertaining Angels
  Religious affiliation/ancestry Unitarianism

This quote has given me much thought and circled, and circled, and circled in my head. Yesterday, instead of coming home to sleep after surgery like a normal person would,   my neuro- differences made me hyper and gave me the "wanders" until about 5 in the morning. (Poor Jamie, patience of a saint). All of this explosive energy paired with too much pain and vertigo to do anything with it gave me lots of time to think.

Yesterday morning while trying to fall asleep after the first injection of sleepy meds into my iv, my mind and emotions went from high to low, up and down, and round and round. Needless to say, there was no way my brain was going to react normally and just drift off. The above quote is particularly poignant to me right now because it is one I would normally overlook unless I was writing about others, not myself.

During this time of not being able to drift off, my mind became very very fearful. I was full of "what if's". What if my neuro- chemistry is so messed up they couldn't make me fall asleep or I wake up in the middle of every thing? Instead of loving my life and the people surrounding me, I was missing what I had left behind. I missed my mom, I missed my ocean (Rehoboth Beach), working with all the teenagers at McDonalds, and the list could go on. Slowly J began rubbing my tummy, and that surrounded me in her soft, purple aura that I find so comforting. Then J's mom gently took my hand and held it, and added her warm purpley red aura. Suddenly, I no longer felt that hell on earth of longing for things not with me. I remembered how much I"m loved, how my life is pretty awesome here, my friends are beautiful and wonderful, my co workers are pretty awesome, my job is so perfect for me, our rescue is fulfilling and fun and surrounds me by animals that love me. Then of course there is Teddy, the wonder dog. So while I miss much of what is in my past, I'm where I am at because this is where God has lead me.

I'm not gonna try to hide the truth....I'm scared. There is still a lot of pain, and I was told by the doctor and all involved that if any hearing was coming back, it would be back today, and if anything, its worse. I've never done much of the "begging" praying until I prepared for this surgery. My prayers have been full of "please, please, please just give me enough back that I can pretend to hear day to day". When I let my heart and soul relax I know the answer is "in my own time, in my own way, child" . And I have to say as strong as my faith is, this is pretty damn scary.

I'm gonna leave you today with one last quote.

"A castle, called Doubting Castle, the owner whereof was Giant Despair."

  -John Bunyon, The Pilgrims Progress

   Religious affiliation/ancestry Christianity

I very very rarely live in the land of Doubt and have only a few times visited the Castle. I have to admit right now, as hard as I am trying not to, I keep popping back and forth between there and home.

For my get well present the day before surgery, J got me this really really AWESOME stuffed monster to cuddle. I have a feeling that he might be the monster formally known as Giant Despair. His name is now Bubby Cochlearsaurus "Igotthis" Lynn. Together, he and I are going to save each other from despair, and then make it our mission to conquer the entire land of Despair.

Me (nicely drugged) & Bubby post surgery

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Sir Bubby and his new throne at Castle von Farris Pack

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I just wanted to thank everyone who has already taken time to send their prayers, karma, texts, face book messages (I promise I will catch up on these one day). I'm not sure I would have shown up to surgery, much less stayed with the love you surrounded me with.

Extra thanks to those who have already sent money to help with Stage 2 of surgery.....Hearing aid placement.  We have a good start but as much as I hate asking and admitting, we do still need a lot of help. Remember the donation button is on the side of my blog, you can go to paypal.com, click on "send money" and use t.paws@aol.com as the payee. If anyone would prefer to send a check or money order to a real place, email me at either t.paws@aol.com or autisticmystic@gmail. com for the address.

Peace, Love, Thanks, Rawr!! and Shalom to all.

Carrie Lynn