poetry through a wet pillow

power power power 

power to those with autism

extremely scary...terrifying...horrifying 

friends have power

power of friends scary

making friends scary....terrifying...horrifying

trust trust trust

trust for those with autism

extremely confusing....terrifying....horrifying

to make friends chaotic

trust my heart...trust my brain...trust others

to whom do i listen  heart...brain....others.....

taking chances for those with autism

a game of numbers

chances are like roulette poker dice

chances are not chaotic

chances are not scary

chances are logic....logic good

for those with autism

risk does not >< equate chance

chance is logic, risk is chaotic

chance is fun... hopeful.... fulfilling

risk gives up power

risk confusing...terrifying...horrifying

new place...new time...new people

maybe time to risk power

maybe time to trust

i trusted you...i risked friendship

i felt the rush of risk and chaos

i gave you power

mistake! mistake! mistake!

back into my autistic brain

autism likes chance, logic

helplessness...hopelessness....chaotic-ness

to take a risk, to give up power

to ask for friendship and receive........what?

I know there are many many people with great needs, needs of money, needs of friendship, needs of housing, needs of transportation....the list goes on.

I know for many of you, I'm very hard to understand. Because of my autism, I've learned my social skills through imitation, through reading, and through classes much like those grace and charm classes southerners used to take. I realize on the surface, I look fine and dandy, and am one of those easy people to make "friends" with.

Through much study of how others make friends, I've tried to put myself out there and give. I suddenly wake up and find I can count my friends and buddies on one hand. As much as I have given and shared of what little I have, I asked for help and received little in return.

No I'm not talking about money. I know most of you have about as much as I do, which means you check your ATM before you buy a loaf of bread. But what I did hope for was text or short Facebook messages which I received very little of.

Is it me? Do I not know how to make friends? Did I do something wrong in the past that its my turn for Karma to kick me in the ass? (My past was pretty rough, so I must have REALLY messed up if that's it). Did I offend by asking for help, was I supposed to just wait?

I know most of you have known me for less than 2 years and don't know how much I've changed by letting the real me show. I'm beginning to wonder if this was a chaotic risk that was a mistake rather than a calculated chance when I would have known better.

Right now, I question myself. I discuss with Jamie nightly and often her parents, should I go back on medication that, while it helps with my autism, numbs all other emotions. Calculated chance says yes. Chaotic risk says no.

I know there are a few of you out there who are real friends. Through you, I have learned what real friendship is....not what a book tells me, not what studying tells me, not what autism classes tell me, but YOU, a real friend. Sadly, these numbers are few.

Once again, I want to remind you I'm not saying this because of money. I'm saying this because of compassion and empathy. Friends are there for each other when they hurt. They are patient, they are kind, they make the simple kind of contact like sending a text. I feel like I miscalculated and taken a risk expecting compassion and empathy.

Once more I want to say there are a few of you out there in real life and Facebook (the couple of you I'm talking about on FB are as real to me as if I saw you every day), that have taught me more about love, compassion, friendship, and empathy in a very short time. I'm grateful and blessed that God/dess has sent you to me. Maybe I'm even lucky God/dess has sent the others to me to remind me that life is worth the risk.

Would I change anything? Is there a single one of you I wouldn't have taken the chance of being friends with? No. Emphatically, no. Will I be more careful, honestly I doubt it. Am I hurt? Emphatically YES. Will I go back on the medications that help my autism but dull my emotions? NO. My creativity, my love of creation, YES even my love of people, and my ability to see the magnitude of how all encompassing God/dess is, has grown with the change of medication. So NO, I will not be going back on that medication.

I feel I have been honest with you about beliefs, differences, and personal opinions that I owed it to you, if I'm going to call myself friend, to allow you to see the raw hurt.

The risk I took in learning to make friends may have only gifted me with a few new friends. Every single one of you is worth the pain of those lost combined.

Matthew 25:40

The Message (MSG)

 ^37-40"Then those 'sheep' are going to say, 'Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?' Then the King will say, 'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.' 

To those who have taken the time to care, I want you to know how truly and sincerely thankful I am to you.