I take great pride (and not the sin pride, but the happiness pride) in being unique. For a long time, my uniqueness and differences shamed me. Now, with the help of special friends in my life, helping me open my heart to God, I've learned to accept the fact that God knew, believed in me, understood, and gave me the strength to embrace each and every one of these differences She has given me.
Do I know why She's given me these differences? I wish I was that powerful or insightful, but at this point in time, it is not mine to know. I do know that differences that come with my autism tend to make me quirky and make my sense of humor a joy to others. I open my mouth and forget to engage autism filters. I'd like to say what comes out is not what I meant, but really what happens is what comes out is what I"m really thinking (and probably most of you), and this seems to bring great delight in its truthfulness.
My hearing, and boy is that a touchy subject right now, in the past, has sometimes been fun. I can count on at least once a day, a friend I'm close enough to, to not worry about hurting my feelings, laugh gleefully when I ask a question based on what I HEARD, rather than what was said. At work, this has become a great game.
My having these two "disabilities" could cause me great pain and difficulty. But because I'm so blessed with the friendship and love God/dess has given me, I instead more often receive joy and laughter. Yes, beyond a doubt, I know I have been blessed by God/dess and am thankful every day.
The last few weeks, as I have found out my hearing loss has dropped from severe to profound and I'm pretty close to being "labeled" as deaf, its no longer funny or joyful to me. Putting it bluntly, I am terrified. Without God/dess, Jamie, Teddy, family and friends+FB, I'm not sure where I would be right now. My heart races, my brain can't stop, I'm scared all of my dreams will fall through (how can I learn to chant Hebrew if I can't hear it?)
I am honestly not saying being different is wrong, a burden, or that I would change it for the world. I love how God/dess made me, autism, hard of hearing, queer, and all. However right now, not seeing getting my hearing back in sight...its overwhelming me. YOU are helping me get through this along with God/dess and my family. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul.
In a way, I apologize that my blog has taken such a drastic turn from being happy, spiritual, educational Carrie, to terrified, frustrated, crying and angry Carrie. Notice I said "in a way". Bottom line, I'm glad that my earlier blogs caught your attention so you're now here for me. I'm scared but at lest I'm not lonely.]
At night, I open the window and ask the moon to come and press its face against mine. Breathe into me. Close the language-door and open the love-window. The moon won't use the door, only the window. ~Rumi
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Teddy here,
Mommy has talked to me a lot about being different. Like me for example, I don't even know what breed of dog I am and this as bothered me. The mommies have researched and decided I am an Italian Jack with Whip Cream in top. We think it sounds funny and describes ME, and covers most of the bases.
I work when the doggies just get to be dogs. I love taking care of Mommy with her seizures and autism. I think God/dess made me just for this different family. Some say different , I say lucky. Mama Jamie got Mommy a really cool get well present when she was scared to go to the hospital , (they wouldn't let me go cause I'm not all the way trained.) We named him Brubby and he is a monster and he is very very different. Because monsters are supposed to be scary, and Brubby is cute and makes mommy feel safe and not scared, Brubby is not at all like other monsters.
Mommy has been watching lots and lots of cartoon videos because she has been too sick to wonder around the house without Mommy Jamie at home. I watch with her. I requested Mommy Jamie to bring home Monsters, Inc the movie, so I could teach Brubby that not all monsters are scary.
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| Teddy and Brubby watching Monsters, Inc |
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(From Jamie) As many of you know, Carrie is also autistic (aspergers) and has asked me to provide donation details as she is getting a bit overwhelmed. The instructions are below. Please email us at t.paws@aol.com for any questions.
TO DONATE:
Click on the PAYPAL Button on the right side of the screen on THIS blog. There you will be given an option to use your Paypal account to donate, OR if you do not have a Paypal account, click on "continue" by the Visa, Mastercard etc icons on the lower left hand corner. Follow the prompts to process your donation.
Alternatively, if you have a Paypal account, you may go to Paypal, click "send money" and follow the prompts. Our paypal account is t.paws@aol.com.
If you would like to send a donation by snail mail, please email us for the address.
Email t.paws@aol.com or autisticmystic@gmail.com for address or other information.
*Important note...we are not a non profit and your gift is not tax deductible. Unless otherwise specified this is a gift, not a loan. We are very thankful for any amount you may be able to give and will be good stewards of your donation.
Current gifts with donations are:
Necklace $10
Keychain $10
Earrings $15
Plain guitar pick with logo $5
Bracelet $10
1 comment:
Keep marching ahead. You're doing a good job of balancing your emotions.
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