Sir Bubby and the Castle of Despair

Yesterday (Friday) was surgery day.. Also known to me and those that love me as first big step of me REALLY hearing.


As I've said before, I WAS moderate to severely deaf but challenges over the last few years (the infections, some times having no insurance, not having the time off work or the money, and doctors truly not understanding through my autism that when I say I hurt like a *%$@, I really mean it). This has moved me from moderate to severe and close to profound . J will explain more about my not expressing pain physically or emotionally or my hiding my lack of hearing or any friend that wants to comment and (I hope you do help me out on here). 

I really have trouble describing my pain or showing it on my body or face. As some one with autism you learn social reactions and try not to be weird. But we have our melt downs over seemingly silly things and then normal pain reactions we mess up.

Any way those who have been following my blog or my friends know this of me. My experiences with doctors (until I got to the right one) was making me doubt myself, think I was crazy, or think maybe God was playing tricks on me or worse. Needless to say I haves new respect for "suffers" of hidden pain.

Most of you know I'm a huge reader. I'll read almost anything you put into my hands. From religious books, to fantasy, science fiction, historical fiction. Sometimes, I like to sit and read old school books. Right now, one of my new obsessions, and one I've never really had before are books of quotes. We just got one at our local used book store. I'm finding joy in this because, not only and I"m finding interesting quotes, this particular book notes its religious ancestry along with the author and book if known. Anybody out there with neuro- differences like autism or obsessive compulsiveness can understand what fun this is because one quote can lead to hours of research. These hours of research means learning so much more about the world than in my small corner.

One of the quotes I came across yesterday is  

"There is such a thing as hell on earth. For the most part, it is populated by people who fear so deeply that they cannot love."

-Author F. Forrester Church, Entertaining Angels
  Religious affiliation/ancestry Unitarianism

This quote has given me much thought and circled, and circled, and circled in my head. Yesterday, instead of coming home to sleep after surgery like a normal person would,   my neuro- differences made me hyper and gave me the "wanders" until about 5 in the morning. (Poor Jamie, patience of a saint). All of this explosive energy paired with too much pain and vertigo to do anything with it gave me lots of time to think.

Yesterday morning while trying to fall asleep after the first injection of sleepy meds into my iv, my mind and emotions went from high to low, up and down, and round and round. Needless to say, there was no way my brain was going to react normally and just drift off. The above quote is particularly poignant to me right now because it is one I would normally overlook unless I was writing about others, not myself.

During this time of not being able to drift off, my mind became very very fearful. I was full of "what if's". What if my neuro- chemistry is so messed up they couldn't make me fall asleep or I wake up in the middle of every thing? Instead of loving my life and the people surrounding me, I was missing what I had left behind. I missed my mom, I missed my ocean (Rehoboth Beach), working with all the teenagers at McDonalds, and the list could go on. Slowly J began rubbing my tummy, and that surrounded me in her soft, purple aura that I find so comforting. Then J's mom gently took my hand and held it, and added her warm purpley red aura. Suddenly, I no longer felt that hell on earth of longing for things not with me. I remembered how much I"m loved, how my life is pretty awesome here, my friends are beautiful and wonderful, my co workers are pretty awesome, my job is so perfect for me, our rescue is fulfilling and fun and surrounds me by animals that love me. Then of course there is Teddy, the wonder dog. So while I miss much of what is in my past, I'm where I am at because this is where God has lead me.

I'm not gonna try to hide the truth....I'm scared. There is still a lot of pain, and I was told by the doctor and all involved that if any hearing was coming back, it would be back today, and if anything, its worse. I've never done much of the "begging" praying until I prepared for this surgery. My prayers have been full of "please, please, please just give me enough back that I can pretend to hear day to day". When I let my heart and soul relax I know the answer is "in my own time, in my own way, child" . And I have to say as strong as my faith is, this is pretty damn scary.

I'm gonna leave you today with one last quote.

"A castle, called Doubting Castle, the owner whereof was Giant Despair."

  -John Bunyon, The Pilgrims Progress

   Religious affiliation/ancestry Christianity

I very very rarely live in the land of Doubt and have only a few times visited the Castle. I have to admit right now, as hard as I am trying not to, I keep popping back and forth between there and home.

For my get well present the day before surgery, J got me this really really AWESOME stuffed monster to cuddle. I have a feeling that he might be the monster formally known as Giant Despair. His name is now Bubby Cochlearsaurus "Igotthis" Lynn. Together, he and I are going to save each other from despair, and then make it our mission to conquer the entire land of Despair.

Me (nicely drugged) & Bubby post surgery

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Sir Bubby and his new throne at Castle von Farris Pack

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I just wanted to thank everyone who has already taken time to send their prayers, karma, texts, face book messages (I promise I will catch up on these one day). I'm not sure I would have shown up to surgery, much less stayed with the love you surrounded me with.

Extra thanks to those who have already sent money to help with Stage 2 of surgery.....Hearing aid placement.  We have a good start but as much as I hate asking and admitting, we do still need a lot of help. Remember the donation button is on the side of my blog, you can go to paypal.com, click on "send money" and use t.paws@aol.com as the payee. If anyone would prefer to send a check or money order to a real place, email me at either t.paws@aol.com or autisticmystic@gmail. com for the address.

Peace, Love, Thanks, Rawr!! and Shalom to all.

Carrie Lynn