The raw deal

There is a hole where my heart used to be because it fell out  while running from scary things one night in a dream & it hurts all the time now & I have no clue know how to fix it & sometimes I think I don't even remember that it's gone. 

I started this blog to show my spirituality as myself and as an autistic person. I'm only representing myself and how I see the world. Some times the blog was Christian , some times spiritual, some times mixed and always me and parts of my autism.

As time went on and I made friends through here, instead of falling back on tradition scripture, holidays, and what every one else writes about,  I decided to use this space as a place to be real, honest and to explore.
I used metaphors and some were negative....words such as bullies. They were used to express feeling about a lot going on in my life and environment at the time and never truly one person. "The bully" was a combination of hurt and feelings.

Today I found out that some people have used some of my words in very hurtful, not just to me, ways. I'm not sure if they wanted to hurt me...or thought they were protecting the other person they thought all the anger was directed at. Who knows maybe they even thought they were helping me. The fact is at lest two people including myself have been very very hurt.

Where to go from here? I'm not sure . Being autistic this was one place I felt safe to communicate my thoughts and beliefs when communicating true feelings is very very hard on the average person much less an autistic. To share spiritual thoughts not of main stream when you live in eastern TN is hard....and I feel like my safe space has been invaded.

I need to continue writing to keep my grade for school. I'm no sure how are where to go with it. If I go "clinic" pretty much like early on I let down a lot of people that read to learn how I think and as an adult person with strong spiritualism and happens to be autistic.


A few people took something that was honest and cleansing and turned it hurtful. I'm not sure how are up in twisting words and hurting people and even how many will be hurt.

My gut reaction is to run "in" internalize feelings, act the way we autistics do best until we melt down. What will I do? I'm not sure. I am taking a few days off to clear my head and think.

 An it harm none do what ye will

Wiccan

 Do to others as you would have them do to you. 
Christian

"Love All, Hurt No One, Trust A Few"
Buddhism 


"Hurt no one so that no one may hurt you.”
Islamic  

No dragons did I slay tonight nor will I tomorrow...just hoping to wake in the morning and still love the world. That's what I do best and what I hope to do tomorrow and the next day and the next.

Shelama

Some of my best friends are dragons

Wrong Wrong Wrong

 I try to make friends with the dragons

but their breath grows hotter

their fire reaches further.

How do you know?

When standing your ground is right

Or if you should admit the good fight had been lost and go on?

Some times the good fight HURTS!!!

My ass gets burned

Am I just hurting my self for no good reason?

Am I taking PRIDE in being a dragon slayer

when few see the dragon?

Have I lost  the point?

Have I lost me?

I am a peace maker not a slayer

Maybe the time as come to lay down the sword

Peace maker healer comforter
these are my callings
priestess pastor shepherdess
not slayer crippler destroyer

I may hove lost me in the mess
But now I have found me
I did not slay the dragon
we share one others power power

Some are dragons
some are healers
to make the world go round both are needed
to have a yin yang with our dragons is what we need

Sometimes we are all Little Souls

 

 

"Wow," said the Little Soul, dancing and skipping and laughing and jumping with joy. "I can be as special as I want to be!"

"Yes, and you can start right now," said God, who was dancing and skipping and laughing right along with the Little Soul.

 

 

 

 

Lately I've been talking about good and evil. Bullies and heroes. Dragon slayers and dragon riders . How do we "decide" what is good or evil? Whether its our actions , another's , or another person. 

 

Yes there is bad or "evil" around us. Yes if we know there is some one bad or evil we need to protect our selves. However, whenever possible (while protecting) we need to show compassion , love, friendliness and forgiveness.

In the last two weeks I have shared this story with I don't know how many people. So I thought I would post the link here for all.

The story teaches something not easy, uncomfortable,and  times we just don't want to do. But remember.....we are made in the light, of the light, and to be the light. 

 

The Little Soul

 

Dragon Spirit

 

Anyone can slay a dragon,

 but try waking up every morning & loving the world all over again. 

That's what takes a real hero. 

"Story People"

 

You guys now this has been a rough couple of months for me and mine. From surgery that healed poorly to money issues. From dealing with a bully to dealing with self-esteem issues. Life is not always easy . We want to save or be saved. We want black or white. That grey area is very scary for most off us. 

My issues, growing up the way I did and my autism makes me want solidity. Even being creative and having a great imagination.......I still crave order, things in a row, and to have some idea whats coming tomorrow.

I haven't written for a few days because I've had a dragon I've been trying to slay. Working myself up to slay it has made me feel an anger and a rage that I have not felt in years!!! Yes my autism gives me meltdowns still, and to some they look like anger and maybe rage. However its a surface and a mental thing.... you deal with the stimuli and the melt down calms. It never reaches heart and soul for me. 

This attempted dragon slaying had created a rage of heart and soul....of attitude, that was, well,creating a whole other dragon. That dragon was consuming me , or I was consuming it, or maybe I was becoming a dragon...but I was not me.I was NOT the Carrie people know and love....the calming, loving, peaceful Carrie. I was other.

Then something happened, my heart and soul remembered their way home. What was it? I'm not sure. A kind word? A spark of eye contact with a kindred spirit? Hurt in a loved ones eyes so strong it awoke me? Something some how reminded me of me. Bought me home to me.

Do I need to wake up every day and slay a dragon or save the world? No. In fact..... as crazy as it sounds what if we make friends with the dragon.  Learn to harness and share that power. Power doesn't have to be rage....power can come gently and kindly.

 

Grey does exist. As hard as it is for my autistic mind to find order in grey , there is a lot of wonder and beautiful life in the grey. In the grey we can live as one with the dragon finding both calm and power.

 

Having both you can wake in the morning and love the world. I missed you world. I love you and will love you again even more when I wake up.

 

 

 

The full circle of The Divine/There is nothing more than that!!!

Do I have a secret to life?

 Shall I share??

The sound of what cannot be seen sings within everything

There is nothing more to it than that

The Divinity is in us all!!! 

So many of my friends seem so down lately . Some for some very honest legitimate reasons.... life is hard. Work is hard. People get sick, pets die, friends move, friendships change, jobs change, and some times we just feel out of control.

Then there is this crappy reason.....we LET people tell us who we are. We let them define us.  I include myself in this we. So I starting thinking of God within us, us within God......the full circle of the Divine....The Divine is all and in all. Sounds unfair when we see evil going on....but we are able to convince ourselves to look for the good there. Soooooo it follows...find the good/Divine in yourself.

Find it...hold on to it. It's yours and yours alone. The Divine gave it to each of us and each of us alone. We are each given our own special piece of The Divine to nurture to grow and create. Treasure it.

Jellybeans for all!!!

Out of the RUINS

of the UNLOVED

the NEGLECTED souls

we have become INSPIRED

to CREATE a spark

and to KINDLE a new beginning

RUNICK

Sometimes religion and culture leaves those of us who are unique feeling as if we are less than others. We often feel as if our lives are nothing but ruins. We feel unloved and neglected by those around us who choose to judge and make fun rather than take the time to get to know our uniqueness. 

I feel as if God/dess has given us this uniqueness to inspire not just ourselves, but those around us. When everyone is "normal" or engrained to think and believe the same things, it is hard to become inspired. I believe God/dess has made us in Their own image so we have the power to create. 

We are given a chance to kindle in each other a spark of love, kindness, and faith.

We are RUNICK for a reason!!!

Tonight a group of 4 met. To start something new. To explore, to ask questions, to grow and learn. Amazing thoughts were shared, future ideas. Ideas for study, for exploration and even for experimentation. Jelly beans, pizza and sweet tea were shared. The elements where called up on to help guide us. If our numbers grow...AMAZING....if not our group already has a heart.

In the words of Yeshua  Shelama

Spark of the Divine Within

 

 

It only takes a spark to get a fire going

and soon all those around can warm up in its glowing

that's how it is with God's love

once you've experienced it, you spread his love to everyone

you want to pass it on. 

What a wondrous time is spring when all the trees are budding

the birds begin to sing, the flowers start their blooming

that's how it is with God's love

once you've experienced it, you want to sing its 

"fresh like spring"you want to pass it on. 

 

 I wish for you my friend, this happiness that I've found

you can depend on God, it matters not where you're bound

I'll shout it from the mountain top

I want the world to know the Prince of Peace has come to me

I want to pass it on

God, Allah, Yeshua, Gaia

Full of life, full of sparks

in you has been entrusted this spark

kindle it with love, care, and kindness.

Peace, love, joy, happiness

sparks to share

so simple, so easy

use your spark to light others.

 

Lately, as many of you know, I have been feeling a lot of anger. To counteract this anger, I've tried many tricks of the trade. Walking, meditating, prayer, and singing songs such as the one above that I learned from very happy times at church youth events. 

During these retreats, while we used the bible to study, we were taught much more about love from the Prince of Peace rather than quoting scriptures and not knowing the love behind them. 

Because of my fortune of not only being a Lutheran youth, but a VA Synod Lutheran Youth, I have a fountain of these songs in my head to sing when times are hard. I also enjoy singing them and sharing them when times are good. 

I've picked this song to share tonight on the eve before our Runick Group starts. A group of spiritual exploration. Where will it take us? We are yet to find out. The beauty will be in the journey.

I took liberty with this song and changed "him" to "God" and "Lord of Love" to "Prince of Peace". Personally, I find it much more accessible to those not of the christian faith to just slightly change words. (or maybe I just spent to much time in an MCC church) 

Each and every one of us have that spark of the divine in us. We call it by different names, but it is the life spirit given to us by our higher power. A spark barely burns, until it is shared and then the light spreads. I don't care who you are...queer/straight, what color, able or differently abled, autistic/neurotypical, with a spiritual life or seeking one, you have that spark. Together lets learn to make it glow and how to share it.

*Pass it On courtesy of Kurt Kiser

**MCC is the Metropolitan Community Church, the first accepted queer church started in 1969

I Never Promised You A Rose Garden

What is a weed? A plant whose virtues have never been discovered.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

God/dess doesn't make junk!!! How do we know? How do we really know? If we are fortunate enough not to feel like junk but we see those around us, lame, crippled, or other wise disabled, how do we know?

We have problems unseen (un believed)  , "friends" make fun of us, loved ones don't understand us, how do we know?

Our chair, our cane, our walker, the cancer, blindness, deafness,injuries that change life plans, how do we know?

Being gay, queer, transgendered, a different race or culture in a small community. How do we know???

How do we know God/dess doesnt make mistakes or junk....or even throw a ways???

FAITH  oh yes one little word that is so so hard at times. Faith!!!!

How do we find it.....?  Look in your heart, look at the people around you, look at what you do have. Look at creation, how do you even see all this with out faith, a belief in a higher power.


Personally I'm struggling with this right now.  It feels I have two choices...to medicate and make myself acceptable to those around me ( this is my problem not theirs, the hurt is getting to much) , or re-accept myself and accept most people will never under stand me even partiality.

I have FAITH I know God/dess didn't make a mistake  so....so I go to science, part of her creation to get me through this hump...or do I some how pray, mediate, hope, wish, work, for the strength to get a better grip and realize if they don't accept me they are not worth it. It hurts. I wont lie. It is hurting my job, my home life, my friends, my heart, my soul, but oddly enough my Faith is stronger and even more sought after than before, and a friend out of the blue saw my status and as been getting me through!!! So some good has come!!! (not to mention J is helping but I fear I'm hurting her).

"The strong and steadfast power of faith is precious indeed."

Buddha 

I have faith, so how do I listen to it??? Is it faith to trust science, or faith to trust my strength to over come? Or even strength to have faith to trust science??

Some say I'm a dreamer

 A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight,
 and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.

Oscar Wilde

How hard it is to see beauty where others see  ugliness

Frustrating to see light where most see only darkness 

Isolating to see hope when they see despair

So very lonely to see God in their emptiness

Where ugliness is, create beauty

In the darkness, let your light shine

Where you see despair, share your hope

In the emptiness, invite Goddess

Beauty ugliness in the eye of the beholder

Darkness light an opening of the heart

Despair hope expanding your soul

Remove the emptiness, follow Yeshua

Ugliness beauty beauty ugliness

Light darkness darkness light

Despair hope hope despair

Allah, Mother Gaia, Buddha

Am a I dreamer for believing in the good?

If so allow me to sleep

Is it a dream to believe all are one?

Then hold back the dawn 

258 days and counting!!!

1 Corinthians 13:13

For there are these three things that endure: 

Faith, Hope and Love, 

but the greatest of these is Love. 

Aramaic Bible

 

 Easter is over, Christ has risen, spring is here, Ostara has made her return as promised with spring hope and blooms , birds, and love are in the air. 

So now what do we do? These gifts have been given to us with no expectations in return. Yet many look down on these gifts and offer little thanks.

If love doesn't fit OUR definition we refuse to count it as true Holy Spiritual love. Are we scared? Are we snobs? Do we feel it is a competition? 

 

 

 

 

So many times CHURCHES want to make women second best.... but when you truly read ANY religious history including Christianity there is male and female, equal in the divine. At no time is this more prevalent than in the spring with the hope and promise of new life.

 "A religion without a goddess is halfway to atheism."

 _anonymous

Mother Gaia

 To see what few have seen, you must go where few have gone.
-The Buddha

 

As I said Easter is over and we have 258 days tell Christmas Eve and about the same for Winter Solstice, as Christians and other spiritual folks what do we do in the middle?

 

How about follow some of the Buddhism teachings and not only learn more about Christianity and the bible and Christian history, but lets go where few dare to go.....lets study each other, each religion and see where we meet..where we are the same...stop with the semantics and differences in names , instead of diverging at the fork in the road lets meet there!

"Love all, with sincere love and concern" 

Islamic

Jesus used the word Shelama in his native Aramaic , meaning unconditional love for each other. Most other prophets in the majority of religions challenge us to this form of love. We do don't get to pick and chose which neighbors we love.

 And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

Khalil Gibran-Arabic

As for me I found out ow great my love for my God/dess and Her love for me was, during the few most painful moments of my life...when I lost my twin, my brother....I lost faith in every thing , my world fell apart so intently I wasn't even sure of gravity. Not only did I fall to my knees in grief, I was totally prostrate holding on to blades of grass to ground me, scared I would some how fall off the world. And gently so gently He called me back, She refilled my heart with the love that was never gone. Again I was able to stand, to be some what whole.

We have 258 days to not hate, to not judge, to not make fun , to not be cruel or hurt.

258 days to make our prophets and God/ Goddesses pleased with our growth, with each of us bringing heaven closer to earth

What will you do with those 258 days?

I'm Queer and I BELONG to God/dess

7 APRIL
Easter Eve is a
time for services of
baptismal renewal.
Today wash your face
with special care and
attention; let the waters
flow over your face.
Look into the mirror
and say, "I have been
baptized. God loves
me. I belong to God.”

I could say so much right here. Remind you mu focus is on the life not the cross. Water is a part of many religions...long before Christianity came along!!! AND I DO NOT HAVE TO BE BAPTIZED TO BELONG TO GOD/DESS!!!! Or even to be Christian!

That said J and I did feel the need and a call to make a point that GOd/dess loves us too!!! So we made a rainbow cross for the front yard for the zillion of Baptist that pass by on teir way to church to see. And remind them of A) God loves queers B) there are lots of of queer Christians and C) the rain ow as a reminder of a promise of love to ALL  people.

Getting prepared for tomorrow morning!!

Wonder if it will be broken or stolen?? Any takers on that bet!!!

Is the crib and the cross all that matter

5 APRIL
Jesus died on the
cross. Think about it.
Why did it happen?
Ask yourself what you
truly believe. Now ask
God.

 

 

If there was no Crucifixion of Christ, no morbid death and torture, no resurrection, would you still follow the teachings of Yeshua? 

 

 

What if He was a great prophet, lived a long life, married and had children, and died a natural death. 

.....or are the teachings in between worthwhile or worthless? Do we only want flash and bang or are we willing to sit at the feet of the teaching rabbi and learn? Or are we only sitting at the foot of the cross and wailing? Waiting for another great miracle or have we learned and moved on??

 

Do we forget our spiritual life with out a significant reminder?

 

Many people say with out the Resurrection Christianity is just another religion.....what if? 

Shelama

Ain't no mountain high enough

4 APRIL
Give up complicating
things. Instead of
making mountains
out of molehills, be
on the lookout for
ways to simplify.

Little mole hill hill hill

To me you are a mountain mighty and strong

Insurmountable I can not over come you

Little mole hill hill hill

I try to see you as small

But over you I still stumble 

Little mole hill hill hill

Others say its ok ok ok

I hear, you fucked up but, WE will fix it

Little mole hill hill hill

I need back my power

On you I could step and obliterate

Little mole hill hill hill

From you I will learn

I will step over you and bypass you

Little mole hill hill hill

On my way to mountains

That you have thought me to conquer

Little mole hill hill hill

You have given me practice

You have made me stronger

Little mole hill hill hill

From the shadow of the mountain watch

You have given me strength to ascend any mountain

Do we just sit and wait at the cross???

 

Heaven on earth, heaven on earth

The kingdom of heaven is at hand

Create create create

Heaven on earth

Jesus, Yeshua, Easa , Messiah, Christ

Prince of Peace, Wonderful Counselor, Lord of Love

 Christ like, Christian

Peace, Wonder, Counsel, LOVE

Red and yellow black and white 

Fear not, unto you a child, is born, for ALL  people

Gay, Straight, Christian , Transgendered, Jew, Atheist, Islamic 

Love thy Neighbor as thy self, Rhkama

I have come that you might have life and have it more abundantly!

Life is a gift. Live it!!

Do you wait at the cross...

Or live the examples of the life and teachings??

Bombs Away!!!

 

 

2 APRIL
In honor of Easter,
when life and beauty
spring forth from death
and decay, take your
flower bombs and go
out to resurrect the
ugly places with
beauty! Try not to
get arrested.

Sometimes through lives struggles, its hard to see the beauty. But the beauty is always there. The other day when I was having one of my most stressful days I went outside to THIS............

It made my heart swell up with love from God/dess. She knows when we need that little extra hug in a way only he can give. Maybe a blooming tree is not the same as comforting arms around you but, when God/dess knows one of your favorite colors and you walk outside to a sight like the above, how can you not have renewed hope?

As many of you know, the time since my surgery has been a roller coaster and many of you have been there for me and I can't thank you enough. Between my family, my friends, and my readers, plus better success at work and healthier ears, life has been on an upswing. Thank you!!!

Sometimes spring can be difficult for me because I give it such high expectations. This year I have decided to emotionally sit back and enjoy. Today I went on my first run/walk which to me is a form of meditation. I had a great conversation with God/dess and felt I was truly able to open my soul to listen in return. 

How do you each see renewed hope in spring? Does seeing the lillies poke through the dead leaves help? The ducks starting to pair up and perhaps even sit on a  nest? The birds singing everywhere? (Yes this year, I actually get to enjoy those bird songs with you). How about the fresh feeling after a spring rain? The crickets and frogs chattering away in the evening? Or maybe just sitting outside in the spring air with a loved one? 

Ok ok ok......according to the challenge we are supposed to be talking about spreading spring and easter ourselves. Even though we are in TN, the air is a little chilly, but Jamie and I have our flower bomb ingredients at the ready and within the next week.......Bombs Away!!!!!!        

********************************************************************

On a personal note a friend of mine I have made through this blog is going through a really rough time because her husband is seriously ill. She is struggling to come to grips with this, the patience while waiting on test results, and the logistics of a special needs child all at the same time. Please keep her and her family in your prayers, meditations and thought.

Oragami is HARD!!!

1 APRIL
Palm Sunday: Fold
your palm fronds into
a cross. You can learn
how to do it on
YouTube (“Making
a Palm Cross”).

Some of my fondest youth memories are of making palm crosses on the Saturday night before Palm Sunday. Our youth group use to get together and make hundreds of these (ok maybe not hundreds but  A LOT) . We made plenty for a them for the folks coming to church and or Sunday school on Palm Sunday. We got to stand with the ushers and hand then out of a basket for each parishioner to wear.

This was a "normal" activity for my church youth group. Our leaders took a festival, holiday or event and made it real to us. We would learn the bible story of the event, get a short lesson on what it meant to us "today" and then have a project to go with it.

The project was always for others. Maybe it was just for the other folk in our church or maybe it was a social justice lesson. Jesus and the two fish and five loaves of bread lead to helping feed the hungry. Maybe we were not preforming miracles like Yeshua BUT , we did learn about sharing, just like the young  boy giving up his lunch. 

So often today it seems like many people are putting God/dess and Yeshua, or many other spiritual prophets into the closet. By this I mean we go to church, temple or which ever spiritual place we go, for an hour or two a week, and then it is a over.

Did we earn a lesson? Did we take it home? I remember each year that cross stayed on my cork board til the next year. Once at a soup kitchen we ran into a class mate, so my brother and I started packing bigger lunches and inviting the boy to sit with us at lunch to share. Not only did he get food, but we made a new friend that ended up being one of our best.

If God/dess was  packed back in the closet when "church" was done, would we have learned anything?  Does memorizing the bible really tell you WWJD? People, especially around the south like to knock the fact that I learned the IDEAS of the bible but did not memorize them word for word. Does the old testament teach you to be a better person or just scare you? If it is scary is that why God/dess is shoved to the back of the closet? Shouldn't the lesson of must religions, which I believe is LOVE make us want to walk side by side with Him/Her. AND each other, because the Divine is with in each of us!

Jamie and I are making the crosses for our "diary" of the year tree!!!