Here I am......right where I need to be

Earlier today I was talking about being called to serve God. I wanted to share a little about my personal journey of constantly learning, and learning and learning, just where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing. Sometimes its not easy. We all have our personal callings from God. But sometimes they may not be exactly what WE want or hope.

As a young kid, instead of playing house, my twin brother and I played church. Our playhouse outside was even a chapel with a mini pulpit, benches, and a home made cross. We took turns preaching, teaching Sunday School, leading hymns, saying prayers, and kneeling at the altar. Heaven help the pets and barnyard animals after we went to a revival and learned about full immersion baptism! Let me just say, no matter how much your pet duck loves you, they don't think much of going under the water backwards.

When most young girls dreamed and had fantasies of wedding gowns, veils, and diamond rings, my fantasies were robes, pulpits, and stoles. Bathrobes became church robes, any random scarf served as a stole, and being small, almost any upturned box was a perfect pulpit.

Growing up Methodist with a few Pentecostal cousins tossed in, was a perfect combination for us. We has Sundays with wonderful hymns, fun Sunday School, and once old enough, awesome sermons. Thrown into the mix were Pentecostal revivals with yelling, screaming, rolling in the aisles and even handling snakes. One Pentecostal minister cousin could not pass up the star quality of small, matching boy/girl twins whose twin-speech sounded much like speaking in tongues and interpreting all while handling matching snakes. For us, these revivals were better than carnivals or fairs. We were allowed to be ourselves and were actually not aware we were the center of attention or the star attractions.

After our parents divorce, we joined a Lutheran church. While the differences were dramatic to say the least, the changes came at the right time for us. The more formality and ritual was what was needed at church, when home life was total chaos. Going through confirmation, joining youth group, playing hand bells, being acolytes, and becoming readers, gave us much needed structure.

There was never any doubt in my mind when I became an adult, I was going to be one of the leaders of all of this beauty.

I took Latin in high school, attended every youth gathering, youth leadership event, and even became a youth representative on church counsel. Most everything I did in junior high and high school was to prepare myself for Lutheran college followed by seminary.

Imagine my great surprise and dismay when I found out after receiving my acceptance to my chosen college it took something more. Money. Money in the form of cash, scholarship, or financial aid, none of which I knew how to get or was prepared to apply for. This is where the public school system (not the church) let me down. In my public school, it was the gifted, chosen few who were taken quietly aside to workshops and taught to apply for the money needed for school. Since I flew under the radar most times, I was not included in this group. At that time (the 80's) it wasn't as easy as logging on a computer to figure all of this out. Also with my disabilities, many of the adults in the school system saw me as lazy and rebellious, but that's a story for another day.

Thankfully, because of family, extended family, and amazing people at my home church, there were enough gifts of money in graduation cards to pay for two years of community college. Even though I used this time to learn the roads and red tape of financial aid and scholarships, I also found out gays weren't exactly welcome in the ranks of pastor-hood. While fortunately, I was Lutheran, and not tossed out on my ear when I came out, I knew, for now, no matter how strong my desire, it was not my time for seminary or ordination.

I went on to complete several degrees including one in psychology and religious studies. I worked in several fields including food service, non profits organizations for HIV/AIDS, and family counseling. An interesting mix wouldn't you say?

From early on in college, I made a vow between God and me that I would always be out about my homosexuality AND my spirituality. As much as society and many people around me tried to make me chose, I refused to believe that the two were exclusive of each other. I never once doubted that both were gifts from God.

While working on my masters degree in psychology, I explored the Metropolitan Community Church (MCC), fell in love with it, and started seminary training. As a seminarian, I was even able to wear collar that I had always coveted. However, it didn't take me long at all to realize that this was not the place for me. I even tried again several years later as a lay pastor for MCC. All I can say is it was like beating a square peg into a round hole. This was not to be my home.

While it may seem obvious how God was able to use me to serve Her children while working in counseling and churches, it may not be so obvious that I also did this while working food service. However, I feel God has allowed me to touch more people in non religious settings than in more traditional "God" settings.

I've always been who I am, which is gay and Christian. Spiritual and queer. One of God's Rainbow Children. It was not unusual, while working at McDonald's for me to hear a soft voice on the other end of a drive thru headset asking me if I really thought God loved us even though we were gay.  I've had the opportunity to speak to many young people one on one that, quiet frankly, would never walk into an upper middle class white Lutheran church. Because I was at the right place at the right time, and open about who I am, God was able to speak through me to kids and young adults who, probably, would never feel safe or comfortable walking through a church door, even an MCC.

I know I am fulfilling God's call for me in ministry by being there for others in an unassuming way. For many, its easier to talk to a person in a McDonald's uniform or jeans and a hoodie with spiky hair and a lisp than the same person in cleric collar, robes, and a stole. So right now, my "pulpit" is my blog and my openness to those around me.

Don't get me wrong, I am as human as the next person and I long for and dream of the day a stole is placed upon my shoulders. There is no doubt in my mind that day will come. I may be fifty, I may be sixty...heck, I might be seventy-five, but it will happen and I will continue to prepare.

My dream stole

As most of you know, my blog that I share with you started as my final project for my Masters in the History of Religions with an emphasis in Christian Theology. My stepping stone to starting my Doctorate in Theology and Ethics.

I can't tell you how much I treasure each of you helping me on this journey by reading, commenting, and talking to me about my thoughts and my blog. When you share your thoughts, you help open my heart, mind, and soul further. Thank you for helping me grow.

So what does this have to do with everyone having a calling from God? Its about finding your passion, following your passion, and always finding a path, not an end, when you come to a fork in the road.

Hopefully some of you are willing to share with me your passions and calling. I know from personal experience many of you out there share the love of God in each of your own ways.

 HERE I AM, LORD

 This video is mine from a short while back (notice the darker hair). Most of the pictures are mine. The video was made when I intended to apply for seminary rather than UVA grad school. A few things may have changed, but the ideals and emotions of the journey are still the same.

Ring-a-ding.........Hi! Is (fill in the blank) there? Its me....GOD. Want a job? :)

How do you know if you are called by God?

Its pretty simple. We all are. Its just a matter of what we are called to do and are we willing to do it?

Writing this particular blog has been in my head for the last couple of days. I almost didn't write it last night and was even going to skip over it for a week or two because of a "discussion" among several friends on facebook about how to listen to God. That if we just listen just right we will find in the scripture what  God wants us to do. To me it seemed like what they were talking about was not even listening, it was just picking the right scripture to match their choice, scriptures that said hey its OK to do what they wanted to do any way. I didn't wight last night cause I lost focus of where to go with this. Then this morning I decided to go for it because, as normal for me, my view, take, and angle is slightly different then lots of others.

I'm not so much talking about what God wants you to do at any given particular moment. I'm not talking about the "WWJD" moments on bracelets every where. I'm talking about the fact that you already are a good person. You know how to be a good person, and you want that to be in your life. You want to live the life that God would be proud of, and that you don't have to be a bible thumper or wear a special t-shirt for people to know. 

I'm talking about the BIG "what do you do with your life from day to day" type of being called by God.

I hate when people say "I'm just a....burger flipper/car mechanic/dog groomer/......I just....I just.....I just!"
For starters, anything you do, to the best of your ability and with passion shows the glory of God. In fact, that's a lot of what most monks and nuns do. (notice I said MONKS and nuns, not priests). I apologize that I don't recall which particular branches, but I wanted to get this written. I'll do some more research soon and let you know. That IS what they are about. Glorifying God through a job well done.

Sometimes God's calling is our passion.....Thats why we're so good at it!

Maybe you are a landscaper because your job is to make that hill on the side of the road so beautiful, at least one person a day passes it and thinks wow.....God makes beautiful grass. How about when some one out there shovels city walks and an older couple walk arm in arm down the side walk and and the end the husband is so thankful that you didn't miss a spot, that he says a little prayer to God in thanks because his wife didn't fall and he just doesn't know what he would do if she got hurt.

Ok so maybe you clean out kitty kennels every day. Stinky nasty smelly kitty kennels. But one day a young family with a little girl, who needs a special friend so bad, comes to visit the kennels. Mom says over and over "I refuse to have a smelly kitty in my house!" Because you....yes YOU, worked so hard every day on cleaning those kennels, mom didn't smell a single scent of dirty cat, the little girl was able to cheerfully pick out her new friend.

The next time you are busy cleaning hotel rooms, scooping ice cream, busing tables, picking up garbage on the side of the road, try to keep God in your heart and remember, how what you are doing, might make another one of God's children's day just a little brighter.

There are so many ways in our day to day life and in our work life we can glorify God. The secret? We don't always get thanked in ways we hear. Often the thanks goes to God. Honestly? How cool is that????

PART 2 SHARING MY PERSONAL STRUGGLE COMING TONIGHT!!!!!!

God loves me, God loves me not.

Tonight, I'm writing from a place that is truly heart painful. I feel I am one of the very fortunate souls that, (except for during about 2 seconds of my life when I doubted God existence),  have never EVER doubted God's love for me. I have always felt God's love soulfully, emotionally, and physically. Therefore, it honestly pains me, when anyone, especially someone I really care about, feels they are not good enough to DESERVE God's love. Deserve?? God's love is a GIFT. I believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that because you ARE, you are loved. PERIOD.

Since I've started my blog a lot of comments both public and private have led me to believe many people feel left out of God's love.

All people tend to see if this HUGE rule book. Do this. Do that. Do it my way and my way only. And then and only then will God love you.

Every religion seems to have some sort of rule book. Every one says their interpretation of the rule book is the one and only literal word of God. My question is, how can so many different interpretations literally be literally correct? The whole thing makes my head hurt.

I've seen love, joy, and God's grace on the "face" of each of you (since some of you I know in person and some only on Facebook). Everyone here has taken the time and energy to read and interact in some way. To me that interaction is God's grace and love.

How can we look upon each others face, a sunrise or sunset, or any other of God's creations and doubt for one millisecond that God loves each of us?

For me, the miracle of Advent/Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanza/Winter Solstice/Yule and even Festivus, is the re-centering of our spirituality and souls while celebrating any of these seasons.

 What reason could there be for God not to love you?

Pon & Zi by Jeff Thomas

Stop living your life as if you are waiting for God to love you. Start living your life as if you believe you are loved. If you act on that belief long enough and hard enough, soon you will believe and know you are loved.

Face of Love by Jewel

"Face Of Love"

until tonight
my heart was just half full
i'd never known the fruit which fed the soul
but now i see what may put to rest my longing
for i have seen, the face of love
the grace of god, the face of love
in silence i feared my heart
would remain words unheard
inside a separateness of skin
but now i know that the skin just veils the soul
for i have seen, the face of love
the grace of god, the face of love
so take my hand and knowing
with it i also give my heart
wanting never to be separate again
let eternity begin
if you were flame
i'd allow myself to be consumed completely
were you wind i would wish you pass through me
but now i know that the skin just veils the soul
for i have seen, the face of love
the grace of god, the face of love

Oh Come, Oh Come Divine, or When asking for signs, you better duck!

ad·vent  

n.

1. The coming or arrival, especially of something extremely important: the advent of the computer.

2. Advent

a. The liturgical period preceding Christmas, beginning in Western churches on the fourth Sunday before Christmas and in Eastern churches in mid-November, and observed by many Christians as a season of prayer, fasting, and penitence.

b. Christianity The coming of Jesus at the Incarnation.

c. Christianity See Second Coming.

Sometimes, like I mentioned before, we get caught up in "trappings and wrappings". Today when Jamie and I ran errands, or really, to be honest, just went puttering, I had in the back of my mind to find an advent wreath. I also wanted to find a couple of children's Christmas books because I enjoy them myself, and I enjoy reading them to the doggies. 

Getting distracted by just spending time together (which is an awesome thing we don't get to do enough), I forgot all about looking for a wreath. When we got home, I started to obsess (us autistic folks, for those of you who don't know are AMAZING obsessors). I HAD TO HAVE AN ADVENT WREATH OR ADVENT WOULDN'T HAPPEN AT OUR HOUSE! Even if I do have an advent calendar, I HAD TO HAVE AN ADVENT WREATH! What, oh, what was I to do??????

Trying to relax myself, I took a hot bubble bath and was enjoying my Santa Clause Christmas book. In the back of my mind I was still thinking I WANT AN ADVENT WREATH!!! All of a sudden, SPLASH!!!,  into the tub fell a candle I hadn't noticed since we lost power in the middle of the summer during a storm. I'm pretty sure God was telling me "Stop sweating the small stuff, Carrie, and get on with it." 

As you can tell, Advent is pretty important to me. Not just the liturgical/candle lighting/scripture reading part of it, but also the secular opening windows/moving a marker/counting down the days until Christmas part of it. 

Being autistic, it is easy for any holiday, especially Christmas, to become overwhelming. Christmas carols in the store, Christmas lights every where, crowded stores, ringing bells, even church, doesn't have its normal ritual. There can be extra hymns thrown in, extra candles lit, and even bell ringing (albeit pretty hand bells) during service. Everything looks different, and nothing is quiet the same. Exciting, happy, and joyful....YES, but different, unsettling, and overwhelming.

Our family created several "advent" traditions of our own. Every evening we would open a window of our advent calender to know how many more "sleeps" until Christmas, read a children's Christmas story, then lit which ever appropriate candles on the Christmas wreath and read the children's version of the scripture for that particular day, all while sitting by our nativity scene. 

Also if a children's Christmas show was on TV, after bath and pajama time, we were allowed to quietly curl up on the rug and watch tv in the glow of the Christmas tree lights. 

Jamie and I have been working hard to create our own traditions. Some similar to what we've grown up with, some not, but all geared toward meaning in our family. 

This afternoon I once again allowed myself to get tangled in the "trappings and wrappings" of the season. Before Jamie or Teddy even had a chance to notice, my good friend, God, gave me a firm tap on the head, tossed a candle my way, and reminded me Advent is about preparing myself to be closer to the Divine. 

Our Advent Table made just for us!

How about each of you? How do you prepare for the Divine in your life? How do you prepare for Christmas? Do you celebrate Advent in a traditional fashion, or do you have your own personal traditions? Please share with us some of your traditions. You don't have to call it advent, heck, you don't even have to call it Christmas.

I know many of my friends are spiritual in nature, but not Christian. I hope some of you will share too. Also, I know some of you consider yourself agnostic or atheist, but still celebrate a time of renewal. I want to hear from all of you and hope everyone here will be open minded to learning too.

 

I wanted to share this hymn, "Oh Come, Oh Come Emmanuel". It didn't become part of my Advent tradition until I was 10 or 11. And at that age, I thought it was a boring, icky, hymn. Now I find, it truly calms my soul at any time of year. Throughout Advent, even while discussing and sharing other winter traditions, I will continue to share other favorite versions of this hymn. 

Oh, Come, Oh, Come Emmanuel
Translated: John Neal, 1818-66

Oh, come, oh, come, Emmanuel,
And ransom captive Israel,
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!

Oh, come, our Wisdom from on high,
Who ordered all things mightily;
To us the path of knowledge show,
and teach us in her ways to go.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!

Every day Angels

Almost every denomination, religion or form of spirituality, has some form of angels.

Today, for whatever reason, I'm very aware of many of my angels.

I have my partner, who is very willing to type my blog so my brain can get these thoughts out faster than I can write or type. She loves me because of what we are together and the family we create.

I have my co-workers, who are too many to name (cause I would hate to forget somebody), who always have my back,  help me learn,  make sure I take my medicine, feed me, make me smile, give me hugs, and even bring me crickets (for Charlie, the dragon and Henry and George, the anoles). They also make me feel loved, special, and booster my self confidence every day.

My friends, (some of who are the same as my co-workers), some serve many of the same functions as the above, only they are on Facebook. Of course there are others, who just love me for being me. Friends who help us take care of our animals. Friends who help us afford gas. And friends who are TRUE friends.

Teddy, my faithful canine companion, is one of my most special and unique angels who just tonight was so agitated he couldn't settle down until he got me to take my extra dose of seizure medicine. He also loves me no matter what and goes totally bananas just because he's happy to see me walk in the door.

My family, both very new, and cousins I have had for about forty years, who are, well.....family.

Jamie's parents, who love me, help clothe and feed us, and without whom, some days, I'm not even sure where we'd live.

Friends and family, who are no longer living on earth with us, but watch over me nonetheless.

I already mentioned Facebook angels, who are there at a moments notice, when they detect even a hint of sadness in a post or status.

Of course there are many religious traditional angels (the archangel, seraphim, cherubim and guardian form).

Thank God I have all of these angels watching over me. I'm sure I couldn't make it through a single day without all this help.

Who, and/or what do you consider YOUR angels?  

I Get Knocked Down, but I Get Up Again....You bullies ain't gonna win

 

YOU RAISE ME UP

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;

Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;

I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;

I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;

But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;

I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up: To more than I can be

 

 

God is very tangible while living among us. Some are able to see God in the trees, in the wind, in the clouds, in the skies, while others need to be able to touch God. God is here for them as angels in many forms: spouses, dogs, lovers, friends, musicians, artists, co workers, family...the list goes on. 

 

 God gives us so many ways to lift each other, but we humans seem to continually want to bash each other down. Tonight I have a very simple question for you and I hope many will answer it. I want you to honestly, honestly think. When do you rise higher in this world? When a friend's arms (angels wings) lift you to their shoulders, or when you violently knock someone down to only to step a few inches higher by standing on their chest? 

God gives us the chance to be the angel and to do the lifting. In fact, God's yoke is light to bare.* But more often we take the seemingly easier road of knocking someone down to gain a few inches. 

 

As the saying goes, Karma can be a bitch. Why bother even giving her a chance??

 

 

 You Raise Me Up by The Celtic Women

*Matthew 11:30

    King James Version (KJV)

 ³⁰For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Don't Judge a Bell by its Ringer

Today I am thankful for many, many things.

I am thankful I learned from a wonderful granny and aunts not to judge a book by its cover, a group by just its loudest members, or a bell by its ringer (if you will).

While reading Facebook today, for the most part, the hate and judgment have been pretty toned down. The exception being telling people where to spend and give their money.

I agree with educating each other. I agree with putting your money where your mouth, beliefs, and votes are. I agree with learning from statistics and how groups as a whole spend their money and treat people. I DON'T agree with judging a member of a group by the groups reputation.

I know I know I know. You are all screaming CARRIE but but but but  and your probably sputtering and almost spitting to tell me all the reasons I'm about to be wrong and that if we don't take a stand against certain groups who will. Honestly all I'm saying is before jumping on a band wagon and judging a whole group take a deep breath and look at the individual. It's what you would want for yourself isn't it?


Certain religious groups are getting some really bad raps. Yes I agree A LOT of it is well deserved. However, is that bell ringer by the donation kettle you are about to spit in , kick, put trash in, or catch on fire, the person that did....what ever?? Do they deserve your anger?

While we may disagree with certain policies and beliefs of a group, and we certainly don't have to give that group money, or even our respect. We do owe the individual respect if they are living their beliefs. (Please know I'm talking about a lot of groups. Right now it just happens to be the Salvation Army that's on my mind).

A personal experience of mine comes to mind from a few years back when I was still living in Virginia. While working for a non-profit, many organizations were joining together to help the homeless. Most shelters, unless they are specific detox shelters, will not let someone in who is under the influence. As frustrating as this is, it is necessary for the protection of staff, volunteers, and others seeking shelter.

A group of us were out handing out blankets, hot coffee, and words of encouragement to those who, for some reason or another, were unable to receive shelter that particular night. I came across one gentleman, so emaciated and suffering such severe detox symptoms he should have been hospitalized. He was still cognitive enough to refuse to go to the hospital. Unfortunately, he was still too intoxicated to take one of the last available beds at the Salvation Army.

Several people tried to convince him to allow one of us to take him for medical help. When he kept refusing, most shrugged their shoulders, covered him in a blanket, gave him another cup of coffee and went on to the next person.

However, one young man, with cell phone in hand, sat on the corner with him, wrapped him in his own jacket, and held his hand. He just smiled at the rest of us, and told us he would call if he needed us. As we left, we saw him with his head up against the grimy, unwashed head, of the shaking, homeless man. He was whispering in his ear. Was he whispering prayers, words of hope, encouragement??? Who knows besides the two of them and God. What was he waiting on? For the man to sober up to take him to the shelter? For him to finally pass out so he could take him to the hospital? Again, we don't know what was in this young man's heart.

Later, while walking back to the fire station meeting hall, we saw this true follower of Christ, carrying the man, so emaciated that he couldn't walk, into the shelter.(we had left them over a dozen blocks away).  My only guess, is he waited patiently and kept him company until he sobered up. I also found out in the morning he went back to retrieve the man's sole companion, a dog, and kept the dog until he found a temporary home.

I could go on with more positive stories of members of the Salvation Army, but some are very personal, and would give away the identity of a good Samaritan that I know would rather remain anonymous.

Do I agree with all of the beliefs of the Salvation Army or other religious groups? The answer is an adamant "no". However, I do respect and admire those who live their beliefs to the best of their ability in a Christ-like fashion.

Again, I'm not asking you to give any group you don't wholeheartedly support, your hard earned money.  I do ask that, unless the individual themselves have been cruel or judgmental, that you respect them.

Recently, several shelters including the Salvation Army have refused shelter to homosexual men. In my opinion, this is very unfair, but does it undo all the other good they do?

I don't claim to know all, or even many, of the policies of the Salvation Army or for that matter, any of the shelters. I do know the Salvation Army, as well as most shelters, keep separate shelters for males and females. There are many good reasons for these policies. At times they seem hurtful because it often separates couples and families. This leads to even more problems when deciding how to handle same sex couples. Regardless of the shelter's belief systems on homosexuality, many problems can arise for gay and transgendered individuals when it comes to gender separation. 

Sometimes, refusals of shelter may be purposeful because of sexuality and transgenderism, and sometimes it may just be complications due to lack of education. 

Trappings and Wrappings

Holiday time as exciting as wonderful and beautiful as it is, can be stressful. The next few weeks, should be times of contemplating gratitude, centering, focusing, and preparation for not only Jesus' birthday, but the rebirth of our faith. We so often let ourselves get lost in the trappings and the wrappings of the holidays instead of the soul soothing events both of these holidays should be.

Who can make the biggest, moistest turkey? Who makes the spiciest pumpkin pie? Cranberry sauce or actual cranberry berries? Stuff the bird before or after we cook it? Put up the decorations before or after Thanksgiving? How much money do I spend on each person? Does each child get the same amount of presents or the same amount spent on them? Do I let my child believe in Santa? Can I go skiing this year instead of all that time trapped with my family? Sigh.....do we really have to invite drunk Uncle Filbert? 

As you can see, the list of trappings and wrappings go on.......and on......and on. 

Where can each of us find comfort, meaning, and contemplation? 

Traditional, ancient, modern, or new age? 

 God is Great, God is Good;
Let us thank Him for our food.
By His hands we all are fed,
Give us Lord our Daily Bread.

Amen.

I love Thee, Lord Jesus
Look down from the sky
And stay by my side,
'Til morning is nigh.

Be near me, Lord Jesus,
I ask Thee to stay
Close by me forever
And love me I pray

Barukh atah Adonai, Eloheinu, melekh ha'olam
Blessed are you, Lord, our God, sovereign of the universe

Dark of night and light of day,
we honor you in each and every way.
Bring to us your sacred and magical birth.
A shift of axis for our beloved Earth.
The sun will rise and show her beautiful light.
Warmth filling our soul so our spirit shines bright.
A new year of blessings and abundance.
A feeling for everyone of a great oneness.
Unity and love combined.
Celebrating all that is divine.
We honor the sun on this most important day.
Hope, renewal and good things are on their way.
We are blessed to have such sacred life.
This year we will live without strife.
Let us honor this solstice eve and day.
Love and kindness felt from each and every sun ray.
 

~Winter Solstice Blessing

"O Breathing Life, your Name shines everywhere! 

Release a space to plant your Presence here.

Imagine your possibilities now. 

Embody your desire in every light and form. 

Grow through us this moment's bread and wisdom. 

Untie the knots of failure binding us, as we release the strands we hold of others' faults. 

Help us not forget our Source, Yet free us from not being in the Present. 

From you arises every Vision, Power and Song from gathering to gathering.

Amen - May our future actions grow from here!"

 

~The Lord's Prayer as translated from the Aramaic  

(one of several translations from the Aramaic)

Matthew 6:9-13

King James Version (KJV)

 ⁹After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.

 ¹⁰Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.

 ¹¹Give us this day our daily bread.

 ¹²And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.

 ¹³And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.

During this season, remember whatever tradition you follow and create, first and foremost, to find love, peace, comfort and joy for you and yours. 

Amen, peace out, word to the mother, fist bump, love to my peeps, shalom. Tada, that is all.

Stop giving out rent free head space!!

I'm reading some comments from here, catching up on e-mails and re reading some old texts this morning while waiting on work.  Its got me doing A LOT of thinking on forgiveness. I've been reading quotes, serious and funny and also different forms of The Lord's Prayer.

Forgiveness is tricky and scary business. It's not easily done and can takes years. However we are asked by our higher power to do this.

When I wrote a few nights ago about Monsters I think some people may have taken me a little wrong.
I'm by no means trying to imply forgiveness is easy or deserved. I'm not even sure we can all do it in all cases. The point I wanted to make is that not only should we do it because God ask it of us,  not saying we should do it for the person being forgiven. We need to do it for ourselves.

One of the quotes I read is "holding a grudge , is like letting some one live rent free in your head". Yeah I know its cliche' and easy to say. But think about it.....do we REALLY want to give that person or incident that power over our whole lives? I compare it to letting a migraine hang out in my head with out taking medicine. My head is my head. I control it...well the best I can. 

That anger can fester, grow and take up space where something good could grow. Some thing of beauty and worth rather then the "ick" that is taking up space. As long as we hold that grudge, we can't move on, we can't heal. and we can learn. The monster has won.

Sometimes the sickness, poison, nastiness and anger the monster left behind, can create other monsters. Do we want to be formed by the monster that hurt us?

Is it hard to move on and forgive? Heck yes...but what are the possibilities if we forgive? We have the chance to heal our selves and help others heal.

Do we forgive and forget? No, I don't think we should forget then we will not learn anything.  Does the person forgiven escape justice?? Never!!! Should we let then control us for ever?? NO. We can forgive with out forgetting and still learn and grow. Yes its hard work. Yes we need God's help.

Those of us that pray often pray some form of "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us".  It's hard to follow the amazing example Jesus set...but its amazing to try.

I love each and everyone of you that read this blog. I've received many private comments about not being able to forgive and it hurts me to see you hurt.

This is my hope that each of US can learn to forgive and to grow.

Sir Nicholas Von Holly, Nicky if you please!!

The last 24 hours have been interesting. My autistic "flappy melt down ness" has been a mess to say the lest. My girl hormones , well lets just say there is not worries....still a girl!!!! Mix that with still on emotional roller coaster from new seizure meds and excitement from Christmas and out comes an emotional Carrie Lynn!!  No small emotions either. Nice big over the top ones. Fun for me and all involved!!!

Last night I posted during one of my melt downs face book and not only got encouragement through face book friends but woke up this morning to well over 50 notifications of love and support and I'm not sure how many text. The details to the melt down may be minor, but the melt down it self was a doozy!!  To all that helped, thank you.

The helped continued today while I tried to gather my self enough to function in public and work.  To be honest I wasn't sure it would happen, but the face book messages and text continued. Not to mention the love of family and Teddy!! Oh and of course knowing that my work is a GOOD place for me to be. I love my co-workers.

God took care of the rest, like always.

I have a short story to send about God showing up in small even stealth ways to help in these situations.

Remember the scripture from Matthew :

^\
 "He will answer them, 'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you failed to do one of these things to someone who was being overlooked or ignored, that was me—you failed to do it to me."

Today while setting up for work, two ladies came in and told a brief story (I was in the back so didn't hear it all) about getting a new puppy and it needing a bath NOW! They had a 5 hour drive to make with a puppy that was well..mmmm a little smelly. Slowly they started to tell that it was a special situation and special puppy could we please help. I still wasn't sure of the story,  from the back but every one was looking around trying to figure out how to make this happen for these ladies. (we didn't have a bather coming in for a few more hours, all the groomers were very busy,  and bathing and drying a fluffy squirmy new puppy can take a good hour or more and that was about all the time they had) Obviously every one wanted to make this happen but how?...... All of a sudden several sets of eyes were on me and I was asked to take the puppy, and if I got behind on my dog I would get help. Wasn't sure why i was picked, but hey I was going with it, I got to love on a puppy!!!


A co-worker checked in "no name" puppy and off I went to bath him.  I always have fun bathing dogs especially puppies , usually I'm alone in the bathing room or with one other person and it makes me comfortable enough to sing and talk to the doggie to my hearts delight.

While bathing and drying "no name" I started getting in my "I can't stop crying place" again. So since it was just me and "no name" I was telling him my whole story. Finally, I told him he had to have a name, this just wasn't working for me. He looked at me and as plan as day I heard in my head "Sir Nicholas Von Holly, but call my Nicky if you please". So Nicky it was. I was continued to cry out these pent up tears and he whimpered and howled a little. Not sure if in sympathy for me , or because it was his first trip from mama and pack mates. Maybe we were both crying a little for each other.

Well as every one knows, grief and pain shared is halved, so soon our tears were dried up and as I finished drying him we continued to chat about how exciting the future can be even though on known. By the end of the hour we were great friends. Even if I did have to pluck a few ear hairs, trim some "private areas" and clip those sharp puppy toenails.


I called the "pet parents" and when they showed up to pick him up I told them a very brief story of how he told me all about what his name was and when they said "Hey Nicky" his tail wagged for the first time. They said they licked the name but it wasn't their choice. I gave them his "pawgress" report, our version of a good boy report card and off they went.


My day was better for having some puppy loving but still a little off, gott bad news...had a grumpy dog etc.  But still better then the night before.

Just as I was starting to feel a little sorry for again myself , the phone rings, (its like after 7pm) and a very polite lady ask for me by name. I told her it was me and she said...well this is a little unusual but we have a special young friend that would like to talk to you, we're sorry we really can't share his name but he says he must must MUST thank you.

This little voice came on the phone and said "Hi Miss Carrie"... He proceeded to tell me how Nicky had told him too all about his name and how special it was. He thanked me for taking care of his special new friend, Nicky and was so very glad that I had made time to bathe his new friend. He said the nice ladies that bought him to the house had said we were super busy and 2 nice ladies helped out. He had also been told if the puppy wasn't clean he couldn't sleep with him, because that could make him sicker, so he was lucky there was time. I didn't have the heart to ask what was wrong with him.

He said he was excited that Nicky had a report card that proved he was a good boy, so when it was time to find some one to cut his hair he had references. (yes he really said references) He also said that he was going to save the bandana I put on him for ever and ever because it was Nicky's first gift and it was from Miss Carrie.

I did a puppy bath today thinking I would hand over a clean puppy and that would be the end of it.  I have a cool job and I know I'm lucky to have it. I knew puppy time would help calm ME, but who knew it would help any one beyond me and the people not wanting to ride with a stinky puppy.

It's amazing what happens when you go with the flow with no expectations of return....


Of course I've had another good cry...  yes this was a good one!


Who was God watching out for today? Me? Sir Nicholas? The wonderful ladies that took the puppy to a sweet little boy? The little boy with a new friend? Or some how in God's wonder, all of us at once??

Unto the lest of these....could be any one of us.!!

I'm off to sleep now with my doggie Teddy with thoughts of Sir Nicholas and his little boy having good cuddles.


Thanks be to God for simple simple things.

This is not Nicky, but this is what he looks like!!

Monsters, Demons, and Heroes...Do we see them the same as God?

"Know that there are certain very lofty and sublime things in the site of God that certain people sometimes think of as worthless and contemptible; there are others that are esteemed and remarkable to people that God considers extremely worthless and contemptible."

~St Francis of Assisi 

 Today is Transgender Day of Remembrance, a day set aside by the LGBT and friends community to remember those lost to us simply because they were "different" or transgendered. Does God make mistakes? Does God see these people as worthless? 

The last few months we've had days of awareness, days of remembrance, and days of education about bullying. Most of the time bullying is centered upon being different. Different, as in, fat/skinny/ugly/retard/nerd/smart/stupid/black/white/brown/teacher's pet/latchkey kid/ or gay/queer/dyke/fag/lesbo....the list goes on and on. Does God make mistakes? Does God see these people as worthless? 

On the other hand, I can't help but read EVERYWHERE, ALL THE TIME, the fiasco and mess at Penn State. We hear about these man made "gods". Many people were hurt, not just the young victims. But still, many people hale these men as beautiful god-like heroes. I truly don't believe God sees anyone as worthless, but are these men acting out the lives God created for them? God created in them a thing of beauty when he gave them the gift of inspiring young men to be the best they can be. Yet somehow they twisted this and allowed themselves to become monsters instead. 

These are just a few worldly examples of what's going on right now. Humans often look with hate, scorn and disgust on those God gently and lovingly created to be different and add color and vibrancy to our world. Yet we allow ourselves to continue to look with awe and hero worship on men and women who have turned God's gifts into a means for cruelty. 

I hope and pray that while there are human monsters out there, no one is ever totally worthless. We, as children of God, can take these cruel and unjust situations and, not only learn from them, but help create a better world. A better world for young people who fall in love with other young people of the same gender, for young people whose gender of their heart and soul don't match the gender of their outside body, and for young people who just want to enjoy being the best they can be at playing a sport. 

I hear many people say these situations weigh heavy on their heart. That the pain for these young people hurt their soul. Tonight, I too, have a heavy heart, and my soul hurts. My soul hurts for the young people, my soul hurts for the adults who've lived with this pain for many years. My heart weighs heavy for the victims and at times I have to admit, my heart weighs heavy for the perpetrators/monsters. I can't help but wonder how they got to where they are. 

My question to you, and to myself tonight, is how do we begin to fix or heal any of these situations? How can we share the balm of God's love with one another?

     There Is a Balm in Gilead
  

(This is the version I learned growing up in the Lutheran Church. The singer in this video uses slightly different lyrics, but the idea of a balm of God's love for us to share has always been the same)

Sometimes I feel discouraged and think my work’s in vain,
But then the Holy Spirit revives my soul again.
There is a balm in Gilead to make the wounded whole;
There is a balm in Gilead to heal the sin sick soul.

If you cannot preach like Peter, if you cannot pray like Paul,
You can tell the love of Jesus and say, "He died for all."
There is a balm in Gilead to make the wounded whole;
There is a balm in Gilead to heal the sin sick soul.

Don’t ever feel discouraged, for Jesus is your friend;
And if you lack for knowledge, He’ll never refuse to lend.
There is a balm in Gilead to make the wounded whole;
There is a balm in Gilead to heal the sin sick soul.

                               

I've Got This! and so do you :)

"In the heart of the world there is a place that holds the secret names of the rocks & the trees & all the children of the earth & around it gather women & men who hold it dear & each night they stand together to keep it safe for as long as it takes till morning comes & no matter what you have been told, this will always be so, in the heart of the world." 

~Story People

I wake up each morning truly knowing in my heart God has given us people and/or angels to hold it together for us each night. I can go to sleep knowing "they've got this". 

Sometimes, its my turn to say "hey, I've got this". It may be something as small and simple as my blog. It may be something I do without realizing it, like giving someone a genuine smile. 

Many of my friends help hold the world together by taking care of Her four legged creatures. They rescue, feed, and love God littlest beings. 

Other friends bring peace out of chaos for some like me just by helping me and others focus. This may seem very small, but it is an amazing talent to help someone stressed, recenter. 

The greatest gift God has ever given us is earth/creation/the world/life/each other. How do we help take care of this gift? How do we show gratitude? 

Its so easy during this time of year to make gratitude lists of the "THINGS" we have. Its even easier to make lists of the things we want. 

Instead of "THINGS", what if we focused on gifts of each other and how God has created the earth as a home for us to share. What can we do to make this earth more comfortable, more friendly, more welcoming to all God's children? 

Do you take time out each day, not only to be grateful in your heart for God's gift to us, but also to show that gratitude? 

I believe God has given each of us a special place in His creation of this world. No matter how big or how small, each day, we are asked by God to look in a fellow human's eyes and say "I've got this". For no matter how brief a time, even if its just for a few seconds, God has given us the power and the strength to hold the weight of the world for that person until they've caught their breath and can take their turn. 

How do you feel in your small way you contribute to making your earthly companions day just a little easier? 

God truly has made each of us the very heartbeat and soul of His gift, this earth we live on and should treasure each day.