Here I am......right where I need to be

Earlier today I was talking about being called to serve God. I wanted to share a little about my personal journey of constantly learning, and learning and learning, just where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing. Sometimes its not easy. We all have our personal callings from God. But sometimes they may not be exactly what WE want or hope.

As a young kid, instead of playing house, my twin brother and I played church. Our playhouse outside was even a chapel with a mini pulpit, benches, and a home made cross. We took turns preaching, teaching Sunday School, leading hymns, saying prayers, and kneeling at the altar. Heaven help the pets and barnyard animals after we went to a revival and learned about full immersion baptism! Let me just say, no matter how much your pet duck loves you, they don't think much of going under the water backwards.

When most young girls dreamed and had fantasies of wedding gowns, veils, and diamond rings, my fantasies were robes, pulpits, and stoles. Bathrobes became church robes, any random scarf served as a stole, and being small, almost any upturned box was a perfect pulpit.

Growing up Methodist with a few Pentecostal cousins tossed in, was a perfect combination for us. We has Sundays with wonderful hymns, fun Sunday School, and once old enough, awesome sermons. Thrown into the mix were Pentecostal revivals with yelling, screaming, rolling in the aisles and even handling snakes. One Pentecostal minister cousin could not pass up the star quality of small, matching boy/girl twins whose twin-speech sounded much like speaking in tongues and interpreting all while handling matching snakes. For us, these revivals were better than carnivals or fairs. We were allowed to be ourselves and were actually not aware we were the center of attention or the star attractions.

After our parents divorce, we joined a Lutheran church. While the differences were dramatic to say the least, the changes came at the right time for us. The more formality and ritual was what was needed at church, when home life was total chaos. Going through confirmation, joining youth group, playing hand bells, being acolytes, and becoming readers, gave us much needed structure.

There was never any doubt in my mind when I became an adult, I was going to be one of the leaders of all of this beauty.

I took Latin in high school, attended every youth gathering, youth leadership event, and even became a youth representative on church counsel. Most everything I did in junior high and high school was to prepare myself for Lutheran college followed by seminary.

Imagine my great surprise and dismay when I found out after receiving my acceptance to my chosen college it took something more. Money. Money in the form of cash, scholarship, or financial aid, none of which I knew how to get or was prepared to apply for. This is where the public school system (not the church) let me down. In my public school, it was the gifted, chosen few who were taken quietly aside to workshops and taught to apply for the money needed for school. Since I flew under the radar most times, I was not included in this group. At that time (the 80's) it wasn't as easy as logging on a computer to figure all of this out. Also with my disabilities, many of the adults in the school system saw me as lazy and rebellious, but that's a story for another day.

Thankfully, because of family, extended family, and amazing people at my home church, there were enough gifts of money in graduation cards to pay for two years of community college. Even though I used this time to learn the roads and red tape of financial aid and scholarships, I also found out gays weren't exactly welcome in the ranks of pastor-hood. While fortunately, I was Lutheran, and not tossed out on my ear when I came out, I knew, for now, no matter how strong my desire, it was not my time for seminary or ordination.

I went on to complete several degrees including one in psychology and religious studies. I worked in several fields including food service, non profits organizations for HIV/AIDS, and family counseling. An interesting mix wouldn't you say?

From early on in college, I made a vow between God and me that I would always be out about my homosexuality AND my spirituality. As much as society and many people around me tried to make me chose, I refused to believe that the two were exclusive of each other. I never once doubted that both were gifts from God.

While working on my masters degree in psychology, I explored the Metropolitan Community Church (MCC), fell in love with it, and started seminary training. As a seminarian, I was even able to wear collar that I had always coveted. However, it didn't take me long at all to realize that this was not the place for me. I even tried again several years later as a lay pastor for MCC. All I can say is it was like beating a square peg into a round hole. This was not to be my home.

While it may seem obvious how God was able to use me to serve Her children while working in counseling and churches, it may not be so obvious that I also did this while working food service. However, I feel God has allowed me to touch more people in non religious settings than in more traditional "God" settings.

I've always been who I am, which is gay and Christian. Spiritual and queer. One of God's Rainbow Children. It was not unusual, while working at McDonald's for me to hear a soft voice on the other end of a drive thru headset asking me if I really thought God loved us even though we were gay.  I've had the opportunity to speak to many young people one on one that, quiet frankly, would never walk into an upper middle class white Lutheran church. Because I was at the right place at the right time, and open about who I am, God was able to speak through me to kids and young adults who, probably, would never feel safe or comfortable walking through a church door, even an MCC.

I know I am fulfilling God's call for me in ministry by being there for others in an unassuming way. For many, its easier to talk to a person in a McDonald's uniform or jeans and a hoodie with spiky hair and a lisp than the same person in cleric collar, robes, and a stole. So right now, my "pulpit" is my blog and my openness to those around me.

Don't get me wrong, I am as human as the next person and I long for and dream of the day a stole is placed upon my shoulders. There is no doubt in my mind that day will come. I may be fifty, I may be sixty...heck, I might be seventy-five, but it will happen and I will continue to prepare.

My dream stole

As most of you know, my blog that I share with you started as my final project for my Masters in the History of Religions with an emphasis in Christian Theology. My stepping stone to starting my Doctorate in Theology and Ethics.

I can't tell you how much I treasure each of you helping me on this journey by reading, commenting, and talking to me about my thoughts and my blog. When you share your thoughts, you help open my heart, mind, and soul further. Thank you for helping me grow.

So what does this have to do with everyone having a calling from God? Its about finding your passion, following your passion, and always finding a path, not an end, when you come to a fork in the road.

Hopefully some of you are willing to share with me your passions and calling. I know from personal experience many of you out there share the love of God in each of your own ways.

 HERE I AM, LORD

 This video is mine from a short while back (notice the darker hair). Most of the pictures are mine. The video was made when I intended to apply for seminary rather than UVA grad school. A few things may have changed, but the ideals and emotions of the journey are still the same.